I won't go into distinct detail, but I'll miss so much about each of you when you're gone, and I'm thankful to have met you. Good luck on your future endeavors and I hope we'll meet again one day!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
YOFO: Ode to the Wolfpack
I haven't got much to write about except for the fact that the semester is ending in a week. This means that the majority of the friends I've made in Aix are all going home.
I won't go into distinct detail, but I'll miss so much about each of you when you're gone, and I'm thankful to have met you. Good luck on your future endeavors and I hope we'll meet again one day!
I won't go into distinct detail, but I'll miss so much about each of you when you're gone, and I'm thankful to have met you. Good luck on your future endeavors and I hope we'll meet again one day!
Friday, December 12, 2014
Things that make me hate being a girl
If you think being a girl is all frills and flowers...I have compiled a list of things that happen to me regularly that could possibly prove your thinking wrong,
1) When your foundation decides to explode in your makeup bag and then it's all over EVERYTHING, including your hands, which means it's all over your clothes and then you just cry a little bit and ask yourself why you wanted to put on makeup in the first place.
2) If you're a girl with long hair- there's strands of that long hair of yours all over your apartment. Like, sweeping the floor creates a massive monster ball of hair and it makes you want to vomit. Oh and when you're in the shower, you have WET strands of your long hair stuck all over your body.
3) When it's that time of the month and all you want is everything chocolate, so you go out and buy a package of cookie dough, which makes you happy, but then when you've eaten all the cookie dough, you cry because you're fat. Hormones, man.
4) Speaking of hormones- You literally cry about everything and anything. Watching Dr. Phil: Crying. Watching a ballet: Crying. Seeing a plastic bag blowing through the wind: Crying because you're reminded of American Beauty. Just bought the best pair of shoes ever: Crying because you're soooo happy. I seriously don't go a day without crying.
5) When your closet is full of clothes and yet you can't find a single thing to wear. There are times where it frustrates you so bad that you just sit on your floor in your underwear...and eat chocolate...and probably cry.
6) When you're made fun of for being "basic," Listen, I get it, it's hilarious how typical girls can be. But seriously, can't I just drink my PSL in my leggings and boots IN PEACE?! Sheesh.
7) I haven't had a manicure in a while but just as an FYI: Breaking a nail seriously hurts.
1) When your foundation decides to explode in your makeup bag and then it's all over EVERYTHING, including your hands, which means it's all over your clothes and then you just cry a little bit and ask yourself why you wanted to put on makeup in the first place.
2) If you're a girl with long hair- there's strands of that long hair of yours all over your apartment. Like, sweeping the floor creates a massive monster ball of hair and it makes you want to vomit. Oh and when you're in the shower, you have WET strands of your long hair stuck all over your body.
3) When it's that time of the month and all you want is everything chocolate, so you go out and buy a package of cookie dough, which makes you happy, but then when you've eaten all the cookie dough, you cry because you're fat. Hormones, man.
4) Speaking of hormones- You literally cry about everything and anything. Watching Dr. Phil: Crying. Watching a ballet: Crying. Seeing a plastic bag blowing through the wind: Crying because you're reminded of American Beauty. Just bought the best pair of shoes ever: Crying because you're soooo happy. I seriously don't go a day without crying.
5) When your closet is full of clothes and yet you can't find a single thing to wear. There are times where it frustrates you so bad that you just sit on your floor in your underwear...and eat chocolate...and probably cry.
6) When you're made fun of for being "basic," Listen, I get it, it's hilarious how typical girls can be. But seriously, can't I just drink my PSL in my leggings and boots IN PEACE?! Sheesh.
7) I haven't had a manicure in a while but just as an FYI: Breaking a nail seriously hurts.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
What to wear
Okay, whether you've read my past blog Confessions of a Shopaholic (from August 4, 2014) or you just know me very well, it's rather apparent that I, Zoë Cardinal-Wyant, have an inexplicable, irrevocable, insatiable want, need and adoration for clothing. I can't stress this enough. I won't go into detail, for it's already been explained in the previously mentioned entry. However, I'm bringing this up again to illustrate the recent problems that I've been struggling with here in Aix.
I never thought that basically living out of a suitcase for a year would be that difficult. I figured it would take some getting used to, but wouldn't be a problem. But there is a problem. I cannot get used to it.
In my eyes, you can only wear the same outfit about ten times before it's just expired. Actually, I don't think I've ever worn an outfit ten times back in the states. You just get bored of the same freaking shirt worn with the same freaking pants and, "oh maybe I'll add a scarf" does not give the outfit a brand new identity. It's still the same shirt and jeans. And not only does it get boring, but it gets worn out! I'm actually wearing out my clothes! My favorite black cardigan now has holes in the armpits. I've gone through two white cardigans already...actually anything that used to be white is no longer so. I've also already had to buy a new pair of black boots because the ones I had when I came here essentially fell apart.
"Zoë. why don't you just go buy more clothes?" The obvious answer is, "I can't afford to." Sure I've made a few H&M trips but I'll never be able to duplicate my beloved wardrobe at home. Not to mention the fact that I have to take all of this stuff back with me in 6 months.
I'm just not cut out for living without options. I miss having a choice in what to wear. Seems like a stupid thing to miss, but it's real to me!
Also- I'm aware of how selfish I sound. I know that there are people in the world who literally only have one outfit to wear. But I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't bothered by my current wardrobe size. I feel bad complaining, but it's the truth.
Another addition- I'd never judge someone else who chooses to wear the same things over and over. Seriously, you do you. You go Glenn Coco. I am just not comfortable with doing that myself.
In conclusion, I'm adding the opening scene of the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic for you to watch and maybe you'll get where I'm coming from.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGcs_WX9Exc
I never thought that basically living out of a suitcase for a year would be that difficult. I figured it would take some getting used to, but wouldn't be a problem. But there is a problem. I cannot get used to it.
In my eyes, you can only wear the same outfit about ten times before it's just expired. Actually, I don't think I've ever worn an outfit ten times back in the states. You just get bored of the same freaking shirt worn with the same freaking pants and, "oh maybe I'll add a scarf" does not give the outfit a brand new identity. It's still the same shirt and jeans. And not only does it get boring, but it gets worn out! I'm actually wearing out my clothes! My favorite black cardigan now has holes in the armpits. I've gone through two white cardigans already...actually anything that used to be white is no longer so. I've also already had to buy a new pair of black boots because the ones I had when I came here essentially fell apart.
"Zoë. why don't you just go buy more clothes?" The obvious answer is, "I can't afford to." Sure I've made a few H&M trips but I'll never be able to duplicate my beloved wardrobe at home. Not to mention the fact that I have to take all of this stuff back with me in 6 months.
I'm just not cut out for living without options. I miss having a choice in what to wear. Seems like a stupid thing to miss, but it's real to me!
Also- I'm aware of how selfish I sound. I know that there are people in the world who literally only have one outfit to wear. But I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't bothered by my current wardrobe size. I feel bad complaining, but it's the truth.
Another addition- I'd never judge someone else who chooses to wear the same things over and over. Seriously, you do you. You go Glenn Coco. I am just not comfortable with doing that myself.
In conclusion, I'm adding the opening scene of the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic for you to watch and maybe you'll get where I'm coming from.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGcs_WX9Exc
Monday, November 24, 2014
What is beautiful?
I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't been able to think of anything interesting to write about. Nothing too interesting has happened since my last entry, other than my weekend in Paris and here's a quick summary:
1)Saw sites that I've already seen before
2)Tried escargot
3)MASTERED the metro system like a boss
4)Saw a Wild Child show
5)Saw a Niki de Saint Phalle Expo
Now that I've summarized what you've missed, I thought I'd approach another profound topic concerning the French culture. This topic is the one thing that every woman worries about whether they want to admit it or not: Beauty. I had someone ask me a couple months ago what the standards of beauty are in France. I'm going to explain them, but first I'll describe the standards of beauty in the United States.
A woman in the United States is considered beautiful if she meets these criteria:
-Perfect white straight teeth
-Tan skin (not too tan, although not too pale)
-Face made up
-Hair on point
Additional yet still important- Trendy clothes and polished nails
Okay. It's obvious that not every woman in the states cares enough to always look perfect (myself included) but it's true that most women have some sort of self-esteem issue if they feel like they are not up to the standards of what we call "beautiful."
For example, back at home it took me around an hour to get ready in the morning. After taking the time to cover every blemish and dark circle and straightening every piece of hair, I'd have one minute to grab a granola bar and run out the door before missing the bus (which I missed the bus everyday anyway but that's beside the point).
Beauty in the United States is based off of media. One week we're all supposed to have thigh gaps and the next week we all must have a shelf-ass. It's entirely impossible to be up to those standards.
Now for what I've noticed in France.
Women are themselves and it is beautiful! They wear their hair down naturally, they show their true skin, they don't persistently worry about whitening strips every 3 months and they dress SO incredibly laid back. What's cool about it is that you know they put basically no effort into their outfits and yet they look fabulous.
I can tell you that my 3 months in France has made me see my own natural beauty and I'm forever grateful for that. My getting ready time here is literally 25 minutes...and that's including breakfast.
Women in France believe that natural is beautiful and I could not agree more.
However, who's to say that I won't return to my one hour "getting ready time" when I return to the states? I guess we'll see about that.
1)Saw sites that I've already seen before
2)Tried escargot
3)MASTERED the metro system like a boss
4)Saw a Wild Child show
5)Saw a Niki de Saint Phalle Expo
Now that I've summarized what you've missed, I thought I'd approach another profound topic concerning the French culture. This topic is the one thing that every woman worries about whether they want to admit it or not: Beauty. I had someone ask me a couple months ago what the standards of beauty are in France. I'm going to explain them, but first I'll describe the standards of beauty in the United States.
A woman in the United States is considered beautiful if she meets these criteria:
-Perfect white straight teeth
-Tan skin (not too tan, although not too pale)
-Face made up
-Hair on point
Additional yet still important- Trendy clothes and polished nails
Okay. It's obvious that not every woman in the states cares enough to always look perfect (myself included) but it's true that most women have some sort of self-esteem issue if they feel like they are not up to the standards of what we call "beautiful."
For example, back at home it took me around an hour to get ready in the morning. After taking the time to cover every blemish and dark circle and straightening every piece of hair, I'd have one minute to grab a granola bar and run out the door before missing the bus (which I missed the bus everyday anyway but that's beside the point).
Beauty in the United States is based off of media. One week we're all supposed to have thigh gaps and the next week we all must have a shelf-ass. It's entirely impossible to be up to those standards.
Now for what I've noticed in France.
Women are themselves and it is beautiful! They wear their hair down naturally, they show their true skin, they don't persistently worry about whitening strips every 3 months and they dress SO incredibly laid back. What's cool about it is that you know they put basically no effort into their outfits and yet they look fabulous.
I can tell you that my 3 months in France has made me see my own natural beauty and I'm forever grateful for that. My getting ready time here is literally 25 minutes...and that's including breakfast.
Women in France believe that natural is beautiful and I could not agree more.
However, who's to say that I won't return to my one hour "getting ready time" when I return to the states? I guess we'll see about that.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
We are small
Earth has a radius of 6,371 km (3,959 miles). There are over 7 billion people living on the planet. Within the globe, there are 196 different countries in which the 7 billion people are dispersed.
Everyone knows that our world is HUGE, but only in numbers that we're taught in class.
Before I left the states, I always knew the world was something extraordinary and baffling...but only that.
It seriously intrigues me that there is always more to learn about the planet we live on. Every country you go to has cultural differences: from languages, religions, food, politics, clothing, or even simple things like..when to make eye contact with someone or how to greet them.
Outside of France I've only been to Italy and Belgium, but I feel like I've seen so much.
Italy is gorgeous. I've never seen a more beautiful city than Rome. I also did not meet a single Italian that was rude or impolite. They all seem to have this friendly, laid back, sense of humor about them. Not to mention the people there are equally as beautiful as the country. Plus there's about 6 pizzerias on each street and there is NO better cappuccino than the real deal in Italy.
Belgium..WHY DOES NO ONE TEACH ABOUT BELGIUM?! That is such a marvelous country with so so so much culture and history. I went there knowing nothing about it and now I'm in love! Belgians are all bilingual, most are even trilingual (because they basically belonged to everyone before becoming independent). They invented FRIES. That's correct, they're not a french creation..so calling them "french fries" really pisses off Belgians. The most well-known "monuments" in Belgium are the fountains of a little boy and little girl pissing. And they dress them up in costumes. There are 600 costumes for the peeing boy. Belgium is hilarious and amazing and I have to go back.
The wonderful thing is that I really haven't seen very much. There's still so much left to see and learn and take in and I intend to see it all. Staying in your home country your whole life is a way to feel stable and comfortable. Traveling the world is a way to make yourself feel incredibly small in the best way possible. We are small. We all are tiny pieces contributing to the whole of an intricate, complex, interesting reality: A reality in which we call home. Our world is beautiful. I feel grateful to be a part of it and get to see and smell and hear the diversity within it.
Everyone knows that our world is HUGE, but only in numbers that we're taught in class.
Before I left the states, I always knew the world was something extraordinary and baffling...but only that.
It seriously intrigues me that there is always more to learn about the planet we live on. Every country you go to has cultural differences: from languages, religions, food, politics, clothing, or even simple things like..when to make eye contact with someone or how to greet them.
Outside of France I've only been to Italy and Belgium, but I feel like I've seen so much.
Italy is gorgeous. I've never seen a more beautiful city than Rome. I also did not meet a single Italian that was rude or impolite. They all seem to have this friendly, laid back, sense of humor about them. Not to mention the people there are equally as beautiful as the country. Plus there's about 6 pizzerias on each street and there is NO better cappuccino than the real deal in Italy.
Belgium..WHY DOES NO ONE TEACH ABOUT BELGIUM?! That is such a marvelous country with so so so much culture and history. I went there knowing nothing about it and now I'm in love! Belgians are all bilingual, most are even trilingual (because they basically belonged to everyone before becoming independent). They invented FRIES. That's correct, they're not a french creation..so calling them "french fries" really pisses off Belgians. The most well-known "monuments" in Belgium are the fountains of a little boy and little girl pissing. And they dress them up in costumes. There are 600 costumes for the peeing boy. Belgium is hilarious and amazing and I have to go back.
The wonderful thing is that I really haven't seen very much. There's still so much left to see and learn and take in and I intend to see it all. Staying in your home country your whole life is a way to feel stable and comfortable. Traveling the world is a way to make yourself feel incredibly small in the best way possible. We are small. We all are tiny pieces contributing to the whole of an intricate, complex, interesting reality: A reality in which we call home. Our world is beautiful. I feel grateful to be a part of it and get to see and smell and hear the diversity within it.
Monday, October 20, 2014
The struggles of being sick while studying abroad
So, when studying abroad, homesickness is an unavoidable, inevitable feeling. If you're overseas, you expect to miss your home and you assess how to get over that. Luckily, my homesickness has gotten MUCH better- I only got homesick once last week and it lasted about 15 minutes. However, something that I did not anticipate while being abroad is getting physically sick.
Getting some sort of cold or flu is also inevitable, but it wasn't something I thought about prior. Now, three days into my cold, I am learning what it's like to take care of myself and it's very different. Here are a few sick-girl struggles I've experienced.
1) Food - When I'm sick I want chicken noodle soup, hot tea, popsicles...food that isn't real food. I can't have popsicles because I don't have a freezer, so soup sounds easy right? Nope. I went to Monoprix to find something similar to Campbell's soup in a can and literally, soup comes in boxes. Boxes that need to be opened with scissors (which I don't have) so earlier today I found myself sawing open a box of chicken noodle soup with a butter knife while it splashed all over my desk...The struggle.
2) Meds - Okay, I brought what I thought was an entire pharmacy over from the states but apparently I did not think to pack any cold medicine. I tried to get some from the pharmacy today but when I was in town it was lunch hour so it was closed. Then I realized that even if I went in there and tried to find something, I'd have no idea what I was doing. My french vocab does not currently reach the over-the-counter meds category so I'd probably end up buying something totally wrong...
3) My "solutions" - Since I'm lacking medicines and proper sick-girl foods, I've been going vitamin crazy to try to fix myself. Like, a vitamin C tablet everyday and 2 gummy vitamins, fruits of every sort that I can get my hands on, "detox" teas, OH and I've drank an entire liter of orange juice TODAY. If I'm not better by tomorrow, it's apparent that I'm not lacking vitamins, so I must be dying.
I guess I have ebola. Goodbye cruel world.
Getting some sort of cold or flu is also inevitable, but it wasn't something I thought about prior. Now, three days into my cold, I am learning what it's like to take care of myself and it's very different. Here are a few sick-girl struggles I've experienced.
1) Food - When I'm sick I want chicken noodle soup, hot tea, popsicles...food that isn't real food. I can't have popsicles because I don't have a freezer, so soup sounds easy right? Nope. I went to Monoprix to find something similar to Campbell's soup in a can and literally, soup comes in boxes. Boxes that need to be opened with scissors (which I don't have) so earlier today I found myself sawing open a box of chicken noodle soup with a butter knife while it splashed all over my desk...The struggle.
2) Meds - Okay, I brought what I thought was an entire pharmacy over from the states but apparently I did not think to pack any cold medicine. I tried to get some from the pharmacy today but when I was in town it was lunch hour so it was closed. Then I realized that even if I went in there and tried to find something, I'd have no idea what I was doing. My french vocab does not currently reach the over-the-counter meds category so I'd probably end up buying something totally wrong...
3) My "solutions" - Since I'm lacking medicines and proper sick-girl foods, I've been going vitamin crazy to try to fix myself. Like, a vitamin C tablet everyday and 2 gummy vitamins, fruits of every sort that I can get my hands on, "detox" teas, OH and I've drank an entire liter of orange juice TODAY. If I'm not better by tomorrow, it's apparent that I'm not lacking vitamins, so I must be dying.
I guess I have ebola. Goodbye cruel world.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Three ways that France has improved my overall health
I've realized that my blog entry from last week seemed rather depressing (although I didn't mean for it to come off that way) so I thought that this week I'd talk about something very positive. Yes, something has been positively effected by France thus far and here it is-- My health.
First of all, what does "healthy" really mean? I used to always consider myself a healthy person because I mean, I don't have diabetes or cancer and I haven't had a heart attack (despite the numerous times that I've SWORN I was having one). However, looking back on how I used to feel everyday and comparing it to how I now feel everyday, I don't consider the "me" in the states to be very healthy. Some things I used to complain about everyday in the states are...basically everything listed in the Pepto Bismol song, plus extreme fatigue and headaches. In the past month I rarely have encountered these things. I will now explain how France has improved my health in three ways:
1) My Diet
Like stated above, I basically suffered from every gastrointestinal problem in the states. I used to think that was normal but it's definitely not. I have come to this realization with the help of my changed diet. You see, the food here is real food. The produce is locally grown. I feel like every dairy product I've bought has been organic (and I wasn't looking for organic). Your breads are baked fresh everyday and even when you want something sweet, you're still being healthier than in the states because they use REAL sugar here. The greatest part is that I don't even have to search for healthier options here because they are all healthy (in comparison to anything in the states). The reasoning behind this wonderful thing is that all GMO's are banned in France...actually the entire European union has banned GMO's. What is a GMO? A genetically modified organism, i.e: crops that are changed to enhance taste and quality...like the Flavr Savr tomato. Although they might taste good, they're not the best for you and in the US, cattle is fed with genetically modified produce which is passed to you through milk and beef. Even if you think you're escaping them, you're not. Therefore, I feel 100% healthier and I have the food here to thank for it.
2) My Physical Fitness
If you're a regular reader of my blog (LOL those don't exist) you'd know from earlier posts that I really had no intention of becoming "physically fit." I hate working out, and that is still very true today. However, I was basically forced into becoming active when I moved here because I have to walk everywhere, uphill. I walk at least three miles a day, probably more. I climbed a freaking mountain the other day AND participated in a 5K. No, I didn't run the whole thing because I'm not immortal but I did run a lot more of it than I could have prior. I remember the first week here, the walk up the hill to my dorm was like a living hell...but now it's nothing. I can feel my legs getting toner too, which is a super plus.
3) My Tolerance to Weather
Okay, this one isn't exactly health...unless you consider it mental health...but at home I could not last more than 20 minutes outside if it was over 75 degrees. I would be laying out by the pool with my friends and a few minutes later I would disappear into the air conditioning. I was always the biggest baby about heat but now living in the South of France where it's 80 degrees in October and no AC, I have become accustomed to it. Obviously I still don't prefer it to be hot outside, but at least now I can handle it. Plus I drink a lot more water here because if I didn't I'd get dehydrated, fast.
Yes, sometimes I miss late night Taco Bell and early morning Mcgriddles. I'm still human. Nonetheless, I'm a little afraid to go back to eating the way I did at home when I return and becoming once again a couch potato. I'm happy with the way I feel in France...like my body actually likes me. So thank you Aix-en-Provence for repairing my out of shape, fat-saturated body. Vive la France!
First of all, what does "healthy" really mean? I used to always consider myself a healthy person because I mean, I don't have diabetes or cancer and I haven't had a heart attack (despite the numerous times that I've SWORN I was having one). However, looking back on how I used to feel everyday and comparing it to how I now feel everyday, I don't consider the "me" in the states to be very healthy. Some things I used to complain about everyday in the states are...basically everything listed in the Pepto Bismol song, plus extreme fatigue and headaches. In the past month I rarely have encountered these things. I will now explain how France has improved my health in three ways:
1) My Diet
Like stated above, I basically suffered from every gastrointestinal problem in the states. I used to think that was normal but it's definitely not. I have come to this realization with the help of my changed diet. You see, the food here is real food. The produce is locally grown. I feel like every dairy product I've bought has been organic (and I wasn't looking for organic). Your breads are baked fresh everyday and even when you want something sweet, you're still being healthier than in the states because they use REAL sugar here. The greatest part is that I don't even have to search for healthier options here because they are all healthy (in comparison to anything in the states). The reasoning behind this wonderful thing is that all GMO's are banned in France...actually the entire European union has banned GMO's. What is a GMO? A genetically modified organism, i.e: crops that are changed to enhance taste and quality...like the Flavr Savr tomato. Although they might taste good, they're not the best for you and in the US, cattle is fed with genetically modified produce which is passed to you through milk and beef. Even if you think you're escaping them, you're not. Therefore, I feel 100% healthier and I have the food here to thank for it.
2) My Physical Fitness
If you're a regular reader of my blog (LOL those don't exist) you'd know from earlier posts that I really had no intention of becoming "physically fit." I hate working out, and that is still very true today. However, I was basically forced into becoming active when I moved here because I have to walk everywhere, uphill. I walk at least three miles a day, probably more. I climbed a freaking mountain the other day AND participated in a 5K. No, I didn't run the whole thing because I'm not immortal but I did run a lot more of it than I could have prior. I remember the first week here, the walk up the hill to my dorm was like a living hell...but now it's nothing. I can feel my legs getting toner too, which is a super plus.
3) My Tolerance to Weather
Okay, this one isn't exactly health...unless you consider it mental health...but at home I could not last more than 20 minutes outside if it was over 75 degrees. I would be laying out by the pool with my friends and a few minutes later I would disappear into the air conditioning. I was always the biggest baby about heat but now living in the South of France where it's 80 degrees in October and no AC, I have become accustomed to it. Obviously I still don't prefer it to be hot outside, but at least now I can handle it. Plus I drink a lot more water here because if I didn't I'd get dehydrated, fast.
Yes, sometimes I miss late night Taco Bell and early morning Mcgriddles. I'm still human. Nonetheless, I'm a little afraid to go back to eating the way I did at home when I return and becoming once again a couch potato. I'm happy with the way I feel in France...like my body actually likes me. So thank you Aix-en-Provence for repairing my out of shape, fat-saturated body. Vive la France!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Dépaysement
While pondering over the many options I have to blog about this week, I could not find any particular interest in anything. You see, my brain has been distracted recently by all things negative. I don't mean to alarm anyone who is reading this; this is not a blog about depression or homesickness, or anything that could make someone worry about me. Honestly, I think what I'm going through is natural and is intensified by stressors such as lack of money or lack of companionship. There is a french word, dépaysemant, which basically means "the feeling that comes from not being in one's home country."
I personally think that the dépaysement that I'm experiencing is centered around change. I'm away from everyone and everything I've ever known. Nothing is the same. I live in a teeny tiny dorm lacking things that normally a person would need (like cleaning supplies, trashcans, a comforter on my bed). We have a kitchen but I have no pots and pans. I can't even cook easy frozen stuff because there is no freezer. I have to eat everything at my desk or on my bed because there are no chairs in the kitchen, and usually if I'm eating at home it's bread with cheese or jam or hummus. To even GET bread and cheese, I have to walk 30 minutes to a grocery store or a market and they close super early every night anyway.
The lack of food brings me to another point-- lack of money. I am forced to eat out everyday because there's no way to eat otherwise. Henceforth, I've already spent a very large portion of my money that I had saved for the entire year. I honestly have no idea how to make the money that I have last 8 more months. It looks very bleak and it stresses me out.
Other than those things, there are several other things here that are just very DIFFERENT and they are hard to get used to or make me feel out of place. For example, the entire city shutting down at noon on Sundays, public bathrooms costing you money to use them, the bus that sometimes just doesn't stop to pick you up, the lack of soap ANYWHERE (seriously, it's like they don't believe in washing their hands), the fact that coffee is only sold in shot glasses, guys and girls use the same restrooms in my school, and that there is literally no AC anywhere. I know what you're thinking, "Oh my gosh Zoë, you're being such a big baby. Those things are so unimportant." And I totally agree. However, it's these little things that make me feel displaced and make me realize how much I love the United States.
I really am lucky to be here and I'm very happy in Aix; I just have a hard time adjusting and I miss how easy and comfortable things are back at home.
I personally think that the dépaysement that I'm experiencing is centered around change. I'm away from everyone and everything I've ever known. Nothing is the same. I live in a teeny tiny dorm lacking things that normally a person would need (like cleaning supplies, trashcans, a comforter on my bed). We have a kitchen but I have no pots and pans. I can't even cook easy frozen stuff because there is no freezer. I have to eat everything at my desk or on my bed because there are no chairs in the kitchen, and usually if I'm eating at home it's bread with cheese or jam or hummus. To even GET bread and cheese, I have to walk 30 minutes to a grocery store or a market and they close super early every night anyway.
The lack of food brings me to another point-- lack of money. I am forced to eat out everyday because there's no way to eat otherwise. Henceforth, I've already spent a very large portion of my money that I had saved for the entire year. I honestly have no idea how to make the money that I have last 8 more months. It looks very bleak and it stresses me out.
Other than those things, there are several other things here that are just very DIFFERENT and they are hard to get used to or make me feel out of place. For example, the entire city shutting down at noon on Sundays, public bathrooms costing you money to use them, the bus that sometimes just doesn't stop to pick you up, the lack of soap ANYWHERE (seriously, it's like they don't believe in washing their hands), the fact that coffee is only sold in shot glasses, guys and girls use the same restrooms in my school, and that there is literally no AC anywhere. I know what you're thinking, "Oh my gosh Zoë, you're being such a big baby. Those things are so unimportant." And I totally agree. However, it's these little things that make me feel displaced and make me realize how much I love the United States.
I really am lucky to be here and I'm very happy in Aix; I just have a hard time adjusting and I miss how easy and comfortable things are back at home.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Rude French People
This week's blog entry will be focused on debunking and finding truth out of a very common stereotype: All French people are rude.
I personally have no idea where this stereotype originated and I'm pretty sure that no one actually does. However this is one of the most familiar ways to categorize the French. First off, I'm not standing up for or bashing the French. I'm only shedding some light of reality on this unanswered cliché based on my experience.
I'll start with a few examples of what might give a foreigner the impression that all French people are rude.
1) You're not speaking French.
OR YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT FRENCH
French people are very proud of their language, like all countries are, I'd assume. Normally they will respect you or treat you nicely if you're speaking (or trying to speak) French with them. On the other hand, if you don't try at all, they'll treat you like an idiot. Also if you DO try, but you're not up to their standards, they'll just immediately switch to speaking English and talk to you like a child.
--This last part is something that seriously irritates me. Obviously I'm trying to speak your language. Humor me please. I'm still learning.
So one way to avoid a rude encounter with a French person is to speak fluent French. Good luck.
2) Restaurant service is not like it is in America.
In the states when you go to a restaurant you're immediately greeted by a hostess and taken to a table, all smiles. "Have a good meal! Your server will be right with you!" says the hostess. You look at your menu for about 3 minutes and soon after, your server appears. She/he is bubbly and excited to see you. "Hi my name is _____, welcome to ________! What can I get you to drink? *lists beverage options*" When you get your food, your server pops by the table every few minutes, "How's everything tasting?! Do you need anything?! Let me get you a refill!" Everything is done quickly, efficiently, and with the most positive attitude ever. The servers in America treat you like queens. What I've experience in France so far with restaurants is that a lot of the times you just seat yourself, the server takes a year to greet you, they never come by to see if you need ketchup or more water and they never separate checks. I understand that it's a culture thing and french people probably don't like to be bothered while they're eating. (Honestly, servers in the US can get pretty annoying when they ask you if everything is okay every 5 minutes) However, when you're used to service being the way it is at Red Lobster, you feel neglected at a French restaurant. This could easily give an American the impression that French people are rude. So keep in mind next time you come to France that the manager of the restaurant you're eating at is NOT going to stop by your table and tell you "happy anniversary" and you're never getting that refill you wanted.
--Hint: You don't tip a French server because it's always added to the bill. This is also probably why they aren't kissing your ass during your meal.
3) Any service in general is not a pleasant thing in France.
I'll start with an example. The bus station: I'm trying to get my car treize card so I can take the bus somewhere. My bus leaves in 40 minutes. You'd think that'd be enough time but in France it's not. I come to find out that there are 2 windows open out of the like, 6 or 8 windows. Meaning there are only two people working at the station and there's a line of people waiting to be helped that's running out the building. Naturally, I'm late for my bus and the worker behind the window hates her life because of how busy she is. This scenario is literally everywhere. Therefore, most people working behind a counter are usually quite rude to customers because they're downright cranky. Honestly I don't understand why they can't just let more people work at one time but whatever. So don't expect a lovely experience when you're at the grocery store, or when you're trying to update your bus pass.
--If you happen to show up at a time where there are barely any other customers there, chances are you'll get great service. They're not always crabby.
In conclusion-
So there you have it: Three things I've noticed that could give the impression to a foreigner that French people are rude. However, they really aren't bad. Every stranger I pass says "Bonjour!" and smiles at me. Every time I enter a store or pass a stand at the market, I'm greeted just the same. I've found that French people are actually quite friendly. In the states, if I said hello to every person I passed on the street, I'd be looked at like I'm nuts. So honestly, it all depends on what French people you've encountered. I've had quite a few bad experiences with French people, but it doesn't make me believe that ALL the french are unpleasant. You can't categorize a whole country based on a few bad memories...and that goes for every country, not just France.
I personally have no idea where this stereotype originated and I'm pretty sure that no one actually does. However this is one of the most familiar ways to categorize the French. First off, I'm not standing up for or bashing the French. I'm only shedding some light of reality on this unanswered cliché based on my experience.
I'll start with a few examples of what might give a foreigner the impression that all French people are rude.
1) You're not speaking French.
OR YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT FRENCH
French people are very proud of their language, like all countries are, I'd assume. Normally they will respect you or treat you nicely if you're speaking (or trying to speak) French with them. On the other hand, if you don't try at all, they'll treat you like an idiot. Also if you DO try, but you're not up to their standards, they'll just immediately switch to speaking English and talk to you like a child.
--This last part is something that seriously irritates me. Obviously I'm trying to speak your language. Humor me please. I'm still learning.
So one way to avoid a rude encounter with a French person is to speak fluent French. Good luck.
2) Restaurant service is not like it is in America.
In the states when you go to a restaurant you're immediately greeted by a hostess and taken to a table, all smiles. "Have a good meal! Your server will be right with you!" says the hostess. You look at your menu for about 3 minutes and soon after, your server appears. She/he is bubbly and excited to see you. "Hi my name is _____, welcome to ________! What can I get you to drink? *lists beverage options*" When you get your food, your server pops by the table every few minutes, "How's everything tasting?! Do you need anything?! Let me get you a refill!" Everything is done quickly, efficiently, and with the most positive attitude ever. The servers in America treat you like queens. What I've experience in France so far with restaurants is that a lot of the times you just seat yourself, the server takes a year to greet you, they never come by to see if you need ketchup or more water and they never separate checks. I understand that it's a culture thing and french people probably don't like to be bothered while they're eating. (Honestly, servers in the US can get pretty annoying when they ask you if everything is okay every 5 minutes) However, when you're used to service being the way it is at Red Lobster, you feel neglected at a French restaurant. This could easily give an American the impression that French people are rude. So keep in mind next time you come to France that the manager of the restaurant you're eating at is NOT going to stop by your table and tell you "happy anniversary" and you're never getting that refill you wanted.
--Hint: You don't tip a French server because it's always added to the bill. This is also probably why they aren't kissing your ass during your meal.
3) Any service in general is not a pleasant thing in France.
I'll start with an example. The bus station: I'm trying to get my car treize card so I can take the bus somewhere. My bus leaves in 40 minutes. You'd think that'd be enough time but in France it's not. I come to find out that there are 2 windows open out of the like, 6 or 8 windows. Meaning there are only two people working at the station and there's a line of people waiting to be helped that's running out the building. Naturally, I'm late for my bus and the worker behind the window hates her life because of how busy she is. This scenario is literally everywhere. Therefore, most people working behind a counter are usually quite rude to customers because they're downright cranky. Honestly I don't understand why they can't just let more people work at one time but whatever. So don't expect a lovely experience when you're at the grocery store, or when you're trying to update your bus pass.
--If you happen to show up at a time where there are barely any other customers there, chances are you'll get great service. They're not always crabby.
In conclusion-
So there you have it: Three things I've noticed that could give the impression to a foreigner that French people are rude. However, they really aren't bad. Every stranger I pass says "Bonjour!" and smiles at me. Every time I enter a store or pass a stand at the market, I'm greeted just the same. I've found that French people are actually quite friendly. In the states, if I said hello to every person I passed on the street, I'd be looked at like I'm nuts. So honestly, it all depends on what French people you've encountered. I've had quite a few bad experiences with French people, but it doesn't make me believe that ALL the french are unpleasant. You can't categorize a whole country based on a few bad memories...and that goes for every country, not just France.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
The Wolf Pack
The second week of my study abroad adventure is over. It's crazy how quickly the days pass!! Well, on one hand it feels like I've been here for months but on the other hand it's as if I blinked and two weeks went by.
This week I went to classes and chose which electives I wanted to take. After the placement testing I was placed in level B2+, which is apparently very advanced. I didn't realize how advanced my level was until I started classes and learned that three of my fellow classmates are former French teachers. YEA. There are THREE Madame Query's taking my class with me. A few other students in my level have been living in France for several years; My friend Sarah and I are the youngest students. Obviously, the language classes are terrifying. I do not feel like I belong in such an advanced level, but that's where I was placed so I feel like I'm probably supposed to be there, right? I can understand the majority of everything, I just can't respond quick enough with the right words. We'll see how next week goes.
Other than classes, I've had another week of culture and bliss. I don't have classes on Fridays, so this past Thursday night I went out with a group of friends. There was a club reserved for the Fac de Lettres (my campus) so we got cheap tickets to get in. Oh, before the club (which was exactly what you expect: bright lights, loud music, french DJ yelling into a microphone every ten minutes) we all went to this bar that sells shots that are lit on fire. I don't even know what alcohol was in it but there was a lemon on top with honey and burnt sugar and you drink it through a straw. That was pretty cool...it was a fun night. Friday night since we were so exhausted we just went to the movie theatre- Le Cezanne- and saw Qu'est ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu. The film wasn't too great but it was a relaxed way to take in more culture so, it was a good time.
Saturday we climbed Saint Victoire! We see this mountain everyday from our dorm and now we can look at it and say, "I was on top of that mountain." We came, we saw, we conquered. I actually enjoyed hiking a lot more than I expected. I know, everyone back at home is shocked that I would ever do that. Trust me, I'm shocked too. Seeing my city and the surrounding area was such a beautiful experience though and it was worth all the sweat.
Today Matt and I went down to the produce market and I bought the best grapes I've ever tasted (grown in Provence, of course) and goat cheese with the herbs of Provence, along with other delicious foods. I'm in food heaven.
As far as new foods/drinks for the week I've had a crêpe stuffed with spinach, mushroom and cheese, a chicken sandwich with peppers, onions and french fries, a salmon and spinach quiche, chocolate croissants and 3 different interesting beers: Picon, Grimbergen, and Grimm Rouge.
I've noticed here that the food portions are outrageous. Everyone remarks on how much food you get in the states but I've never been able to completely finish a meal I buy here. It's not a bad thing, but I feel so very wasteful!!
However, I feel comfortable here now. I know where I'm going (most of time), I'm not terrified of ordering at a restaurant, and I can get handle the high temperatures. Just wish me luck with my terrifying advanced level courses. Here's to another week.
This week I went to classes and chose which electives I wanted to take. After the placement testing I was placed in level B2+, which is apparently very advanced. I didn't realize how advanced my level was until I started classes and learned that three of my fellow classmates are former French teachers. YEA. There are THREE Madame Query's taking my class with me. A few other students in my level have been living in France for several years; My friend Sarah and I are the youngest students. Obviously, the language classes are terrifying. I do not feel like I belong in such an advanced level, but that's where I was placed so I feel like I'm probably supposed to be there, right? I can understand the majority of everything, I just can't respond quick enough with the right words. We'll see how next week goes.
Other than classes, I've had another week of culture and bliss. I don't have classes on Fridays, so this past Thursday night I went out with a group of friends. There was a club reserved for the Fac de Lettres (my campus) so we got cheap tickets to get in. Oh, before the club (which was exactly what you expect: bright lights, loud music, french DJ yelling into a microphone every ten minutes) we all went to this bar that sells shots that are lit on fire. I don't even know what alcohol was in it but there was a lemon on top with honey and burnt sugar and you drink it through a straw. That was pretty cool...it was a fun night. Friday night since we were so exhausted we just went to the movie theatre- Le Cezanne- and saw Qu'est ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu. The film wasn't too great but it was a relaxed way to take in more culture so, it was a good time.
Saturday we climbed Saint Victoire! We see this mountain everyday from our dorm and now we can look at it and say, "I was on top of that mountain." We came, we saw, we conquered. I actually enjoyed hiking a lot more than I expected. I know, everyone back at home is shocked that I would ever do that. Trust me, I'm shocked too. Seeing my city and the surrounding area was such a beautiful experience though and it was worth all the sweat.
Today Matt and I went down to the produce market and I bought the best grapes I've ever tasted (grown in Provence, of course) and goat cheese with the herbs of Provence, along with other delicious foods. I'm in food heaven.
As far as new foods/drinks for the week I've had a crêpe stuffed with spinach, mushroom and cheese, a chicken sandwich with peppers, onions and french fries, a salmon and spinach quiche, chocolate croissants and 3 different interesting beers: Picon, Grimbergen, and Grimm Rouge.
I've noticed here that the food portions are outrageous. Everyone remarks on how much food you get in the states but I've never been able to completely finish a meal I buy here. It's not a bad thing, but I feel so very wasteful!!
However, I feel comfortable here now. I know where I'm going (most of time), I'm not terrified of ordering at a restaurant, and I can get handle the high temperatures. Just wish me luck with my terrifying advanced level courses. Here's to another week.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
"Say something in French!"... "Quelque chose en français"
I have completed my first week here in Aix-en-Provence and I've got to say, it's much better than I anticipated.
The first day here was absolutely exhausting. As soon as I got off the plane I was harassed by the girls who picked me up to speak french. Then when I tried to, they criticized me, in french, right next to me! They didn't realize how long I'd been studying the language because I understood every word they said. I heard them loud and clear; so I quit talking. When I arrived at my dorm I had a small mental breakdown because my suitcases were so large and my room is so small and I was SO hot and sweaty that I couldn't think straight and so I just took a cold shower, stepped over my suitcases, dug through my luggage for clothes, and laid down and just cried. Obviously I was only overwhelmed but I just kept thinking, "I hate this place, I hate this cramped, sweaty, dirty place. (dirty referring to the dirt road that leads up to my dorm) Eventually I calmed down and unpacked and felt 80% better, but then just lonely and sad so I took about an hour and a half nap when I had a knock on my door. It was a friend of mine that I met at the Embassy, inviting me to go get a drink! It was in that moment that I realized that nothing is ever as bad as it seems and you can't ever be as truly alone as you feel. (Side note: I ordered my very first legal alcoholic beverage that night- a mojito. I felt très cool.)
As the days went by this week, I got more and more used to the heat, used to walking up and down hills, and used to having absolutely no food in my dorm because the grocery store is a twenty minute walk away and everything costs un bras et une jambe. I literally eat bread and cheese continuously throughout the day.
However, I will speak of the delicious foods that I have gotten to eat thus far. For starters, there's a cheap food stand down the road (sort of) from my dorm that I've bought excellent sandwiches from. One being Mozzarella cheese with egg and tomato, and another being goat cheese with balsamic and tomato and spinach. Both of these being on a whole baguette. See what I mean about the bread and cheese thing? But who can complain? Another great thing I've eaten was a pork paté made in Corsica. I swear to you it was like something I couldn't explain. So amazing, now I'm craving...no rhyme intended. Another thing- myself and two friends went to a nice restaurant Friday night and got croque-madames and croque-parisiens. The croque-parisien had ham, tomato, mozzarella cheese, and pesto. My mouth is watering thinking about it! Oh my goodness. One thing I'm slightly disappointed in is the pizza here. I haven't found a pizza that I liked much here yet.
Another question I will approach is, "Do you drink a lot of alcohol there?" The answer really depends on your view of "a lot." Yes, I have a drink a day; whether it's a glass of wine or beer or a yummy mixed drink, hell yes I do. There are a few very cheap bars around here that I take advantage of. You can get a glass of rosé for a Euro and a bottle of 1664 for 2. It's a great place, Aix-en-Provence.
As far as traveling, I have only left Aix once thus far. I visited a small town named Ciotat and relaxed on the beach at the Mediterranean coast. It's seriously SO beautiful. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such beauty. Even the topless sun bathers are beautiful. You know, you'd expect it to be kind of gross or distracting, but it's beautiful!
This country is rather...different, and there are a few things I don't like too well, but all in all I can't get over the beauty.
The first day here was absolutely exhausting. As soon as I got off the plane I was harassed by the girls who picked me up to speak french. Then when I tried to, they criticized me, in french, right next to me! They didn't realize how long I'd been studying the language because I understood every word they said. I heard them loud and clear; so I quit talking. When I arrived at my dorm I had a small mental breakdown because my suitcases were so large and my room is so small and I was SO hot and sweaty that I couldn't think straight and so I just took a cold shower, stepped over my suitcases, dug through my luggage for clothes, and laid down and just cried. Obviously I was only overwhelmed but I just kept thinking, "I hate this place, I hate this cramped, sweaty, dirty place. (dirty referring to the dirt road that leads up to my dorm) Eventually I calmed down and unpacked and felt 80% better, but then just lonely and sad so I took about an hour and a half nap when I had a knock on my door. It was a friend of mine that I met at the Embassy, inviting me to go get a drink! It was in that moment that I realized that nothing is ever as bad as it seems and you can't ever be as truly alone as you feel. (Side note: I ordered my very first legal alcoholic beverage that night- a mojito. I felt très cool.)
As the days went by this week, I got more and more used to the heat, used to walking up and down hills, and used to having absolutely no food in my dorm because the grocery store is a twenty minute walk away and everything costs un bras et une jambe. I literally eat bread and cheese continuously throughout the day.
However, I will speak of the delicious foods that I have gotten to eat thus far. For starters, there's a cheap food stand down the road (sort of) from my dorm that I've bought excellent sandwiches from. One being Mozzarella cheese with egg and tomato, and another being goat cheese with balsamic and tomato and spinach. Both of these being on a whole baguette. See what I mean about the bread and cheese thing? But who can complain? Another great thing I've eaten was a pork paté made in Corsica. I swear to you it was like something I couldn't explain. So amazing, now I'm craving...no rhyme intended. Another thing- myself and two friends went to a nice restaurant Friday night and got croque-madames and croque-parisiens. The croque-parisien had ham, tomato, mozzarella cheese, and pesto. My mouth is watering thinking about it! Oh my goodness. One thing I'm slightly disappointed in is the pizza here. I haven't found a pizza that I liked much here yet.
Another question I will approach is, "Do you drink a lot of alcohol there?" The answer really depends on your view of "a lot." Yes, I have a drink a day; whether it's a glass of wine or beer or a yummy mixed drink, hell yes I do. There are a few very cheap bars around here that I take advantage of. You can get a glass of rosé for a Euro and a bottle of 1664 for 2. It's a great place, Aix-en-Provence.
As far as traveling, I have only left Aix once thus far. I visited a small town named Ciotat and relaxed on the beach at the Mediterranean coast. It's seriously SO beautiful. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such beauty. Even the topless sun bathers are beautiful. You know, you'd expect it to be kind of gross or distracting, but it's beautiful!
This country is rather...different, and there are a few things I don't like too well, but all in all I can't get over the beauty.
Friday, September 5, 2014
I'm just a Poe girl, from a Poe family
This morning while I drank my coffee I decided to stimulate my brain reading some of my favorite poetry. Reading the works of great poets inspired me to write again (which I haven't done or at least made known since high school).... So here's a poem. I'm no Robert Frost but I like to have fun with words.
Untitled
Sometimes the world moves so fast
And the days we greatly long for pass
And within a blink of time we sit, we bore upon the hourglass
Each grain of sand becomes a dream
In which we no longer esteem
Dropping one by one, below the hourglass we so endlessly beam
These aspirations become wraiths
In a body of people losing faith
We lose our grip within our minds and with ourselves, cannot relate
Life takes a hold and sucks us in
Our passions lost in its whirlwind
We must step back and take a breath and let our dreams begin
For we may not ever know the bliss of letting our hearts win
Untitled
Sometimes the world moves so fast
And the days we greatly long for pass
And within a blink of time we sit, we bore upon the hourglass
Each grain of sand becomes a dream
In which we no longer esteem
Dropping one by one, below the hourglass we so endlessly beam
These aspirations become wraiths
In a body of people losing faith
We lose our grip within our minds and with ourselves, cannot relate
Life takes a hold and sucks us in
Our passions lost in its whirlwind
We must step back and take a breath and let our dreams begin
For we may not ever know the bliss of letting our hearts win
Friday, August 29, 2014
Reasons why I'm not a gym rat
My whole life up until I graduated high school, I was relatively active. Actually I'd say I was very active...with dance lessons and tumbling classes up to 4 or 5 days a week. Therefore I never had a problem with "being in shape" but when I went to college I had to quit dance and gymnastics and instead go to school full time. I haven't had much exercise since high school and it's been killing me. So today I decided to go to the gym and do some sort of cardio. I thought it would be smart to try and not die at age 25 of heart disease. However I had the absolute worst experience of my life. So, I've decided that there are many factors behind why I'm not into the whole physical fitness trend that everyone else is into and here they are:
1. Motivation: I feel like I'm highly motivated to do a lot of things but not when it comes to working out. If I can actually talk myself into going to the gym it will probably take about 3 days of nagging myself.
2. Once I've finally decided to go to the gym, I have this small freak out in my mind that I have absolutely nothing to wear. Don't even say it- I know that's an idiotic thing to worry about. No one cares what you're wearing. However I picture myself walking into the gym and it's full of all these fit girls in spandex and buff dudes in cut offs and I'm over here wearing soffee shorts and a sorority tank top. I look like a joke- actually I am a joke because I have no idea what I'm doing so I feel like if I can dress the part, I can look the part.
3. Sort of along the same lines as #2 but the gym sort of requires gym shoes and I don't own a single pair...so whattup converse.
4. When I actually get to the gym I have no clue where to go so I'm like "I know how to work a treadmill" and then I fast-walk with the ramp on the highest it will go in order to burn more calories so that I feel accomplished but ultimately I leave the gym feeling dizzy, nauseated, and with the worst head ache of my entire life. My hypochondria is yelling at me the whole way home, "YOURE HAVING A STROKE ZOË CALL 911"
So in conclusion, I have literally no idea why people get joy out of doing cardio.
1. Motivation: I feel like I'm highly motivated to do a lot of things but not when it comes to working out. If I can actually talk myself into going to the gym it will probably take about 3 days of nagging myself.
2. Once I've finally decided to go to the gym, I have this small freak out in my mind that I have absolutely nothing to wear. Don't even say it- I know that's an idiotic thing to worry about. No one cares what you're wearing. However I picture myself walking into the gym and it's full of all these fit girls in spandex and buff dudes in cut offs and I'm over here wearing soffee shorts and a sorority tank top. I look like a joke- actually I am a joke because I have no idea what I'm doing so I feel like if I can dress the part, I can look the part.
3. Sort of along the same lines as #2 but the gym sort of requires gym shoes and I don't own a single pair...so whattup converse.
4. When I actually get to the gym I have no clue where to go so I'm like "I know how to work a treadmill" and then I fast-walk with the ramp on the highest it will go in order to burn more calories so that I feel accomplished but ultimately I leave the gym feeling dizzy, nauseated, and with the worst head ache of my entire life. My hypochondria is yelling at me the whole way home, "YOURE HAVING A STROKE ZOË CALL 911"
So in conclusion, I have literally no idea why people get joy out of doing cardio.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
If you must know...
So I've decided to approach a personal situation, publicly, so that I don't have to answer this awkward question anymore. Yes, I'm going to France. What day am I leaving? September 7th. What day am I coming back? June 20th. Am I going to be continuing with my current relationship while I'm overseas for a year? The answer is an obvious "yes."
Honestly, every repetitive question is irritating but the last one is the most aggravating of all. First of all- that's kind of personal, so if you're not a close family member or friend, it's really none of your business. Secondly- now that I've made it clear to you that no, my boyfriend and I are not breaking up just because I'll be gone ten months, let me explain to you how stupid of a question that is.
Ask yourself this- if you devoted your time, attention, and emotions to a person for half a year, would you want to just end that because you'll be farther away from said person? No, probably not. That would mean that I wasted all my time and his becoming closer and more attached to each other just to leave it all behind. No one would choose to do that.
And another thing- I'm not stupid enough to get into a relationship that I don't see continuing into the future. I wouldn't have dated anyone before I left if I didn't think it was worth it.
"But Zoë, how can you trust someone that's across the ocean from you?" Well, I just do. I know that from past blog entries it's apparent to the public that I was inadvertently raised to believe that love never lasts and that people are selfish but this time around I'm believing differently...and instead of everyone doubting that I'm serious, they should be glad I've found someone who can change my pessimistic outlook on relationships.
So there you have it internet: I'm an open book for you to read. Now, stop asking me idiotic questions.
Honestly, every repetitive question is irritating but the last one is the most aggravating of all. First of all- that's kind of personal, so if you're not a close family member or friend, it's really none of your business. Secondly- now that I've made it clear to you that no, my boyfriend and I are not breaking up just because I'll be gone ten months, let me explain to you how stupid of a question that is.
Ask yourself this- if you devoted your time, attention, and emotions to a person for half a year, would you want to just end that because you'll be farther away from said person? No, probably not. That would mean that I wasted all my time and his becoming closer and more attached to each other just to leave it all behind. No one would choose to do that.
And another thing- I'm not stupid enough to get into a relationship that I don't see continuing into the future. I wouldn't have dated anyone before I left if I didn't think it was worth it.
"But Zoë, how can you trust someone that's across the ocean from you?" Well, I just do. I know that from past blog entries it's apparent to the public that I was inadvertently raised to believe that love never lasts and that people are selfish but this time around I'm believing differently...and instead of everyone doubting that I'm serious, they should be glad I've found someone who can change my pessimistic outlook on relationships.
So there you have it internet: I'm an open book for you to read. Now, stop asking me idiotic questions.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
My reoccurring bad dreams
So lately I've been having these bad dreams that lead to me waking up feeling like absolute shit. These are worse than the usual "nightmares" because they're much more realistic. They always end up being one of the two scenarios:
1. It's the beginning of the school year. It's not specified whether I'm in high school or college because the school halls switch back and forth between resembling the halls of Lincoln High School and the hallways of various buildings at USI. However, the same thing happens in every dream. I'm always unaware that I'm signed up for a certain class (it's usually English class for some reason) so I miss the first day. When I find out that I'm enrolled to take it, I try to go the next day but I cannot find the classroom for the life of me. I circle these strange hallways passing classroom after classroom but never recognizing my teacher inside so I just keep looking. In result of my endless search, I miss all my other classes for the day. I wake up with the worst feeling of stress and confusion and disappointment in myself.
2. The second scenario has a little more room for creativity. It always has the same outcome but is caused by different stupid things. What happens is, usually someone that's close to me (a friend, my mom, my sister, ect) is an absolute bitch to me for no reason. Pardon my French. And it angers me so I stand up for myself and I'm sort of bitchy back. Then literally everyone I'm close to- all my friends from Vincennes and Evansville, my parents, my siblings, my boyfriend, my cat, my grandparents- treat me as if they've never met anyone as mean as me before. Everyone seriously just hates me and no one will let me explain why I was initially mad. They all leave me somewhere alone (last night I was left alone in a parking lot at night). I wake up feeling helpless and depressed and alone and I can't explain that my mood the next day was all caused by a dream.
Essentially my terrible feelings the next day are caused by me, considering I'm the one who creatively thought up these scenarios to take place in my head while I sleep. I just wish I knew what caused me to dream this way. I used to have interesting dreams that didn't change my mood at all whatsoever when I woke up and now it's like my dreams are controlling how I feel in real life. If anyone reading this is a master dream interpreter or even dabbles in psychology, I'd really appreciate an answer.
1. It's the beginning of the school year. It's not specified whether I'm in high school or college because the school halls switch back and forth between resembling the halls of Lincoln High School and the hallways of various buildings at USI. However, the same thing happens in every dream. I'm always unaware that I'm signed up for a certain class (it's usually English class for some reason) so I miss the first day. When I find out that I'm enrolled to take it, I try to go the next day but I cannot find the classroom for the life of me. I circle these strange hallways passing classroom after classroom but never recognizing my teacher inside so I just keep looking. In result of my endless search, I miss all my other classes for the day. I wake up with the worst feeling of stress and confusion and disappointment in myself.
2. The second scenario has a little more room for creativity. It always has the same outcome but is caused by different stupid things. What happens is, usually someone that's close to me (a friend, my mom, my sister, ect) is an absolute bitch to me for no reason. Pardon my French. And it angers me so I stand up for myself and I'm sort of bitchy back. Then literally everyone I'm close to- all my friends from Vincennes and Evansville, my parents, my siblings, my boyfriend, my cat, my grandparents- treat me as if they've never met anyone as mean as me before. Everyone seriously just hates me and no one will let me explain why I was initially mad. They all leave me somewhere alone (last night I was left alone in a parking lot at night). I wake up feeling helpless and depressed and alone and I can't explain that my mood the next day was all caused by a dream.
Essentially my terrible feelings the next day are caused by me, considering I'm the one who creatively thought up these scenarios to take place in my head while I sleep. I just wish I knew what caused me to dream this way. I used to have interesting dreams that didn't change my mood at all whatsoever when I woke up and now it's like my dreams are controlling how I feel in real life. If anyone reading this is a master dream interpreter or even dabbles in psychology, I'd really appreciate an answer.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Oh captain, my captain
So today the news of Robin Williams' death was released, as you know. His cause of death was "suicide by asfixiation" which I'd assume means hanging but that doesn't really matter. What we should focus on is the tragedy that is suicide and morn for the loss of a creative, uplifting man.
Obviously after everyone heard about his death, they posted done sort of memorial status or RIP post for him because yes, the majority of movie-watchers are upset about it.
I was talking to an acquaintance of mine from high school tonight and he said, "why is everyone so sad about Robin Williams dying? He committed suicide. He wanted to die." And then he laughed.
This disgusted me. Honestly, who jokes about death? I don't care if you didn't care for his acting and stand-up comedy, you should have a little respect for the dead.
My response was, "it's truly sad that someone that seemed happy and cheerful to actually be SO unhappy that he'd choose to end his life. No one should ever get to that bad of a place." That shut up his stupid chuckle.
And that's what I think makes it as sad as it is, to me anyway. It makes you wonder how many people are struggling with depression. How many people slap a goofy smile on their face and throw out witty jokes to cover up how sad they really are? Depression is a serious illness and I wish it could be cured more easily....because a person should never feel unhappy in their own skin. We only get one life (so to speak- unless you consider reincarnation) and by golly that life should be spent happy.
Obviously after everyone heard about his death, they posted done sort of memorial status or RIP post for him because yes, the majority of movie-watchers are upset about it.
I was talking to an acquaintance of mine from high school tonight and he said, "why is everyone so sad about Robin Williams dying? He committed suicide. He wanted to die." And then he laughed.
This disgusted me. Honestly, who jokes about death? I don't care if you didn't care for his acting and stand-up comedy, you should have a little respect for the dead.
My response was, "it's truly sad that someone that seemed happy and cheerful to actually be SO unhappy that he'd choose to end his life. No one should ever get to that bad of a place." That shut up his stupid chuckle.
And that's what I think makes it as sad as it is, to me anyway. It makes you wonder how many people are struggling with depression. How many people slap a goofy smile on their face and throw out witty jokes to cover up how sad they really are? Depression is a serious illness and I wish it could be cured more easily....because a person should never feel unhappy in their own skin. We only get one life (so to speak- unless you consider reincarnation) and by golly that life should be spent happy.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Confessions of a Shopaholic
This blog, not to be confused with the movie starring Isla Fisher, is titled confessions of a shopaholic solely because I am admitting that I have had a problem with shopping for several years. My obsession with clothing has always existed (need I remind you that I spent 70% of my waking time as a child drawing outfits into specific detail and dressing and re-dressing my Bratz dolls). However, I did not get to express myself through clothing until I reached high school (another reminder: I went to a private middle school that required a uniform and specific dress code). When I transferred into the public high school, I had no idea what to wear everyday. I went through awkward phases of outfits for the first month or so trying to combine what little options I had at the time. This is when my shopping became a issue. I would go to say, Plato's closet, and buy about 150 dollars worth of clothes at a time...this would occur every few months. Eventually I started buying things straight from the stores in the mall and once I got a debit card I started with the ever loving online shopping phase. I began to collect enough clothes to be able to wear a different outfit everyday. I know what you're thinking; I'm just like Kate from Lizzie McGuire. I mean who gives a shit if you're an "outfit repeater?" I did.
I even had my own tradition of wearing a dress or a skirt every Friday. I couldn't wear jeans on Fridays because it's like If I did I would betray some sort of covenant with myself.
I'm not lying to you- I literally wore a different outfit everyday (except for one occasion I rewore an outfit I really liked and then my friend pointed out that I had worn it before and I was mortified and never did it again). I even remember one WEEKEND I wore an outfit that I had once worn to school earlier in the semester and one of my guy friends pointed it out. It was like I had a standard in my head to live up to and I couldn't back out. Therefore I kept shopping. And once my collection had overflowed my closets(yes, plural) I'd sort through them, give them away to friends, and then almost immediately replace what is gotten rid of.
This is the real issue of my shopping addiction. I can't get rid of the evidence. Even when I sort through and throw out several trash bags full, there's not a single dent made. I am always and forever overwhemimgly surrounded by clothes.
I never realized how bad it was until this week. I had sorted out a lot of clothes for a garage sale (again it didn't look like it) and I also started packing for France. Obviously I couldn't take my entire wardrobe to France because that would take about 20 large suitcases....or more...so I had to choose wisely. I ended up deciding to pack 5 fun dresses and then all basic tops and bottoms. I figure I could add scarves and hats and jewelry to make my outfits look different everyday.
Now that I have all of that packed up I look in my bedroom to see 4 overflowed closets - plus a rack in the basement- of clothes I will not be wearing for a year.
What will I do when I get home? Will I like this stuff anymore? And if I don't, what do I do with it? And that's just clothing items; don't get me started I shoes and hair accessories. I'm a mess. I'm a metaphorical Titanic sinking in a sea of fashion. I never thought it would ever feel like a bad thing to have "too many" clothes. Well here I am, crashing into the iceberg called REALITY and I'm sending out an SOS.
I even had my own tradition of wearing a dress or a skirt every Friday. I couldn't wear jeans on Fridays because it's like If I did I would betray some sort of covenant with myself.
I'm not lying to you- I literally wore a different outfit everyday (except for one occasion I rewore an outfit I really liked and then my friend pointed out that I had worn it before and I was mortified and never did it again). I even remember one WEEKEND I wore an outfit that I had once worn to school earlier in the semester and one of my guy friends pointed it out. It was like I had a standard in my head to live up to and I couldn't back out. Therefore I kept shopping. And once my collection had overflowed my closets(yes, plural) I'd sort through them, give them away to friends, and then almost immediately replace what is gotten rid of.
This is the real issue of my shopping addiction. I can't get rid of the evidence. Even when I sort through and throw out several trash bags full, there's not a single dent made. I am always and forever overwhemimgly surrounded by clothes.
I never realized how bad it was until this week. I had sorted out a lot of clothes for a garage sale (again it didn't look like it) and I also started packing for France. Obviously I couldn't take my entire wardrobe to France because that would take about 20 large suitcases....or more...so I had to choose wisely. I ended up deciding to pack 5 fun dresses and then all basic tops and bottoms. I figure I could add scarves and hats and jewelry to make my outfits look different everyday.
Now that I have all of that packed up I look in my bedroom to see 4 overflowed closets - plus a rack in the basement- of clothes I will not be wearing for a year.
What will I do when I get home? Will I like this stuff anymore? And if I don't, what do I do with it? And that's just clothing items; don't get me started I shoes and hair accessories. I'm a mess. I'm a metaphorical Titanic sinking in a sea of fashion. I never thought it would ever feel like a bad thing to have "too many" clothes. Well here I am, crashing into the iceberg called REALITY and I'm sending out an SOS.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Exile or Adulthood?
So as I've stated in a previous post, I've been living at home this summer (without a job may I add). I was lying here trying to sleep and of course I started to become nostalgic - nostalgia is my worst enemy. I thought back to high school and how eventful all of my weekends and summers used to be. I never stayed at home because I was always with my friends. This was an awesome time of my life: I got to be a socialite and dress up cute every night; it was great. I thought about how I spent my time nowadays and it's much different. Actually it's completely different. I never thought I would stray from my high school best friends but it's like I unintentionally exiled myself from the people in Vincennes when I moved to Evansville. I never talk to any of them or see any of them and if I hang out with anyone it's either my boyfriend or my friends I met at USI. Obviously this isn't a big deal because this is what happens when you grow up. You make new friends, you do new things for fun, you make different yet equally as stupid decisions, and the old you will just continue to be a cloud of nostalgia. However then I thought- "is everyone hanging out without me?" Is this separation between me and Vincennes a side effect of growing up or have I just exiled myself? I guess if everyone else's lives are continuing the same as before then I've just pulled myself out of the social circle. In retrospect, that's exactly what I've always wanted to do. I couldn't wait to get out of Vincennes and rid myself of anything having to do with this deadbeat town...so I guess high school Zoë would be proud. Now I'm just rambling and I don't seem to have a point so I apologize to anyone who's actually reading this god awful blog.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
What really is "happiness?"
If anyone has been keeping up with my life via social network, you'd know that I've sort of been living a bit of a vagabond life. I've been spending all of my money on gas and coffee to make one trip after another and I haven't been working at all. This month of traveling is what I've always wanted to do with my summers. However, despite the perfection of the past couple weeks, I still find myself unhappy, which makes me question: what really is happiness?
I used to always tie happiness and satisfaction together. I'd say things like "if I could just have this I'd be happy" or "if this would happen I'd be satisfied with my life right now." I would think that satisfying my desires would result in happiness. That makes sense right?
My new theory is a bit different. You see, all of my desires are being satisfied at this point in my life. I can't really think of anything that could be better. Why am I still feeling unhappy? I think that once you finally fulfill a goal or a want of some kind, that makes you desire even more. So what really is satisfaction? Can a person really ever be satisfied? Maybe it's the greed in human nature that makes us want the best of the best in our lives or maybe it's just ambition. Altogether, I realize that satisfaction is not something to be obtained, but rather chased. Maybe that's the meaning of life. Chasing satisfaction to the end of your days just to make your life the best it can be.
Along the lines of "happiness" I think that it's a choice that requires effort. Happiness will not just come to you. I guess that I shouldn't say I'm unhappy, just still chasing satisfaction.
I used to always tie happiness and satisfaction together. I'd say things like "if I could just have this I'd be happy" or "if this would happen I'd be satisfied with my life right now." I would think that satisfying my desires would result in happiness. That makes sense right?
My new theory is a bit different. You see, all of my desires are being satisfied at this point in my life. I can't really think of anything that could be better. Why am I still feeling unhappy? I think that once you finally fulfill a goal or a want of some kind, that makes you desire even more. So what really is satisfaction? Can a person really ever be satisfied? Maybe it's the greed in human nature that makes us want the best of the best in our lives or maybe it's just ambition. Altogether, I realize that satisfaction is not something to be obtained, but rather chased. Maybe that's the meaning of life. Chasing satisfaction to the end of your days just to make your life the best it can be.
Along the lines of "happiness" I think that it's a choice that requires effort. Happiness will not just come to you. I guess that I shouldn't say I'm unhappy, just still chasing satisfaction.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Foods I will miss while in France
I think I've had just about every type of breakdown about going to France but tonight I had a new one. I am known to be a food lover, and I mean all food. There are two things that I refuse to eat completely and that's asparagus and grapefruit, because they're absolutely disgusting, but I'll eat literally everything else. Tonight while eating dinner I thought to myself, "I wonder if they even have this food in France." I then Googled and found several foods and drinks that I adore in America, but are not in France.
Peanut butter - I knew this one before I googled, but it's still so depressing to me. I could eat a whole jar in one sitting (actually I ate half a jar last night). Peanut butter and jelly?! Oh, and the REESE'S?! I won't get Reese's eggs around Easter. What am I going to do with myself.
Froyo - No, I'm not kidding. There's no frozen yogurt in France.
Iced Coffee - I read online that they don't serve iced coffee drinks. This makes sense to me because France and I'm pretty sure all of Europe lives life sans ice but come on...I'm thinking of packing an ice tray so I can ice my own coffee on hot days. If everyone doesn't already know I'm American, they will then.
Pancakes - The lack of pancakes is definitely something that will make me homesick. Sure there's crepes, but I regularly get a craving for a big plate of pancakes with a bunch of peanut butter and maple syrup on them and that craving will be left unsatisfied for a year. Oh, not to mention that maple syrup is a rarity in France as well. *sigh*
Bagels - Yea.. no bagels for breakfast in France.
Bacon - I don't want your ham. I want BACON. Like, I'm not a huge bacon eater but sometimes a BLT is just a gift from the gods.
Pumpkin Pie - NO PUMPKIN PIE ON THANKSGIVING. However, they don't celebrate thanksgiving for obvious reasons so since the holiday will be skipped I can hopefully avoid my cravings for pumpkin pie.
Biscuits and Gravy - Yet another delicious breakfast food I'll be deprived of. Apparently this just an American thing to eat? I think Europeans should try it because it's definitely tasty.
Buffalo Wings - *heart breaks in two*
Root Beer, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper - Although I try not to drink much pop in America anyway, it's comforting to be able to get one when I'm seriously craving one. This one just sucks because sometimes your thirst is unquenchable to anything other than a cold Dr. Pepper. Ugh.
Donuts - What the hell do they even eat for breakfast over there?! Sheesh.
Fair Food - Is it only in America that people have cravings for fried food? Fried pickles, Fried cheese (mozzarella sticks), funnel cakes which are some type of fried something...anything from fried Oreos to fried candy bars-- I will devour.
So obviously after reading all of this I had another small breakdown. I recovered from this one quickly however, realizing all the awesome foods I'll be able to eat there that aren't served in America. For example, Croque-Monsieurs, quiche, crepes, eclairs, macaroons, Orangina, Schweppes, Foie gras, and don't get me started on the BREAD and CHEESES. Nonetheless, I'd advise you to not bother visiting me unless you bring me Reese's eggs and Dr. Pepper.
Peanut butter - I knew this one before I googled, but it's still so depressing to me. I could eat a whole jar in one sitting (actually I ate half a jar last night). Peanut butter and jelly?! Oh, and the REESE'S?! I won't get Reese's eggs around Easter. What am I going to do with myself.
Froyo - No, I'm not kidding. There's no frozen yogurt in France.
Iced Coffee - I read online that they don't serve iced coffee drinks. This makes sense to me because France and I'm pretty sure all of Europe lives life sans ice but come on...I'm thinking of packing an ice tray so I can ice my own coffee on hot days. If everyone doesn't already know I'm American, they will then.
Pancakes - The lack of pancakes is definitely something that will make me homesick. Sure there's crepes, but I regularly get a craving for a big plate of pancakes with a bunch of peanut butter and maple syrup on them and that craving will be left unsatisfied for a year. Oh, not to mention that maple syrup is a rarity in France as well. *sigh*
Bagels - Yea.. no bagels for breakfast in France.
Bacon - I don't want your ham. I want BACON. Like, I'm not a huge bacon eater but sometimes a BLT is just a gift from the gods.
Pumpkin Pie - NO PUMPKIN PIE ON THANKSGIVING. However, they don't celebrate thanksgiving for obvious reasons so since the holiday will be skipped I can hopefully avoid my cravings for pumpkin pie.
Biscuits and Gravy - Yet another delicious breakfast food I'll be deprived of. Apparently this just an American thing to eat? I think Europeans should try it because it's definitely tasty.
Buffalo Wings - *heart breaks in two*
Root Beer, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper - Although I try not to drink much pop in America anyway, it's comforting to be able to get one when I'm seriously craving one. This one just sucks because sometimes your thirst is unquenchable to anything other than a cold Dr. Pepper. Ugh.
Donuts - What the hell do they even eat for breakfast over there?! Sheesh.
Fair Food - Is it only in America that people have cravings for fried food? Fried pickles, Fried cheese (mozzarella sticks), funnel cakes which are some type of fried something...anything from fried Oreos to fried candy bars-- I will devour.
So obviously after reading all of this I had another small breakdown. I recovered from this one quickly however, realizing all the awesome foods I'll be able to eat there that aren't served in America. For example, Croque-Monsieurs, quiche, crepes, eclairs, macaroons, Orangina, Schweppes, Foie gras, and don't get me started on the BREAD and CHEESES. Nonetheless, I'd advise you to not bother visiting me unless you bring me Reese's eggs and Dr. Pepper.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Guy friends who catch feelings
Alright so tonight I would like to express my feelings towards "guy friends who catch feelings." I've had quite a few close guy friends in my life because let's face it, sometimes girls are annoying. Sometimes a girl just wants to play video games or build campfires or do stupid idiotic things without having to listen to drama the whole time. Plus, it's nice to have a few dudes there to stand up for you like your big brother when you need them.
However, somewhere along the lines, guys have a tendency to forget the whole brother/sister relationship that once was and they get this crazy idea that their best girl friends will one day be their GIRLFRIENDS. Let me say from experience that the world is not a typical rom-com and usually if a girl has always hung out with you in her pjs and stuffs her face with junk food and farts in your presence, she is friend zoning you. She doesn't even have to be that way either though. If she ever uses the word "friend" or "pal" or "bud" with you she is using it to purposely friend zone you.
Now I'm sure there are some relationships that stem from best friendships but never in my life have I wanted to date one of my guy friends unless I initially had feelings for them.
The worst part of the confused guy friend is when they become delusional and think that you two have "hooked up" or even have come close for that matter. They continue to tell all their friends that you two have totally slept together. Lying about getting with a girl doesn't make you cool; it makes you delusional, and I feel sorry that you have to make up fake stories about getting laid. What is the deal with that? Does that make a man feel manlier? So annoying.
The sad thing is that this situation has happened to me several times. It's like it's impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex.
However, somewhere along the lines, guys have a tendency to forget the whole brother/sister relationship that once was and they get this crazy idea that their best girl friends will one day be their GIRLFRIENDS. Let me say from experience that the world is not a typical rom-com and usually if a girl has always hung out with you in her pjs and stuffs her face with junk food and farts in your presence, she is friend zoning you. She doesn't even have to be that way either though. If she ever uses the word "friend" or "pal" or "bud" with you she is using it to purposely friend zone you.
Now I'm sure there are some relationships that stem from best friendships but never in my life have I wanted to date one of my guy friends unless I initially had feelings for them.
The worst part of the confused guy friend is when they become delusional and think that you two have "hooked up" or even have come close for that matter. They continue to tell all their friends that you two have totally slept together. Lying about getting with a girl doesn't make you cool; it makes you delusional, and I feel sorry that you have to make up fake stories about getting laid. What is the deal with that? Does that make a man feel manlier? So annoying.
The sad thing is that this situation has happened to me several times. It's like it's impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Late night eureka moments
Well it's 3:00 am and I've been lying in my bed in the dark for the past 3 hours. I don't know what's causing me to think so depressingly lately but now I can't sleep because of it. So here I am, eating peanut butter and marshmallow fluff with a fork and pondering my life's most questionable attributes.
I used to always wonder why everyone said that divorce screwed up the kids in some way because I never felt "screwed up." After my parents divorced, my brother had a period of depression, my sister was struck with high anxiety, and I seemed to go on like it never happened. This is true for the most part. I never could find anything to blame the divorce on but I think I just had a Eureka moment.
I have always known and been aware of my problems with commitment. I pine after things for so long that they seem unattainable and then as soon as I get them I freak out and don't want them anymore. A small example is every boyfriend I've ever had. I would say I got "uninterested" but honestly my mind would turn every good trait of a guy I liked into a terrible annoyance and then I would end it quickly and without hesitation. A larger scale example is my study abroad opportunity. I've been talking about spending a year in France for the past 4 years and now that it's actually becoming real, I'm turning away. My mind keeps bringing every negative point about going to France and highlighting them so big and bold that they overshadow any good, happy, or exciting thought. I don't want to go at all anymore and I wish I could end the arrangements quickly and without hesitation. Aside from the two examples given, this kind of thing is a recurrence. I cannot get myself to commit to anything or anyone, no matter how much I actually wanted them before it got "real."'
So I realized that where my brother got the depression problem and my sister got the anxiety problem, I got the "forever alone and unsatisfied with every decision" problem. I mean how could I trust any situation or person after seeing the way my mum was treated in her first marriage?
(However, I'm not pointing the finger of blame on anyone for my commitment issues; I just think if anything helped form these issues, the divorce would be it.)
I used to always wonder why everyone said that divorce screwed up the kids in some way because I never felt "screwed up." After my parents divorced, my brother had a period of depression, my sister was struck with high anxiety, and I seemed to go on like it never happened. This is true for the most part. I never could find anything to blame the divorce on but I think I just had a Eureka moment.
I have always known and been aware of my problems with commitment. I pine after things for so long that they seem unattainable and then as soon as I get them I freak out and don't want them anymore. A small example is every boyfriend I've ever had. I would say I got "uninterested" but honestly my mind would turn every good trait of a guy I liked into a terrible annoyance and then I would end it quickly and without hesitation. A larger scale example is my study abroad opportunity. I've been talking about spending a year in France for the past 4 years and now that it's actually becoming real, I'm turning away. My mind keeps bringing every negative point about going to France and highlighting them so big and bold that they overshadow any good, happy, or exciting thought. I don't want to go at all anymore and I wish I could end the arrangements quickly and without hesitation. Aside from the two examples given, this kind of thing is a recurrence. I cannot get myself to commit to anything or anyone, no matter how much I actually wanted them before it got "real."'
So I realized that where my brother got the depression problem and my sister got the anxiety problem, I got the "forever alone and unsatisfied with every decision" problem. I mean how could I trust any situation or person after seeing the way my mum was treated in her first marriage?
(However, I'm not pointing the finger of blame on anyone for my commitment issues; I just think if anything helped form these issues, the divorce would be it.)
Friday, June 13, 2014
"I cannot function with less than ten hours."
For all the people who know me well, they know that I've got a small addiction to sleeping. For example, a phrase that I've said several times in my life is, "I cannot function with less than ten hours."
And the funny thing is if I could get my ass out of bed before I hit the ten hour mark, I could function just fine. I've had to do so for work and class and whatnot. However if there's nothing telling me to "get the hell up" I will sleep until it's dark outside. Honestly, I hate this part of me because I hate wasted time and sleeping only wastes precious hours that you could have used to do something productive, but in my head when my alarm goes off (at noon) I can't think of anything more productive than to sleep.
I've looked up online causes of oversleeping just to see if maybe there was a good reason behind it. Immediately I learned online that I had cancer. After I shook that one off I read that depression, stress, substance abuse, and sleep apnea are common causes of oversleeping. Seriously so unhelpful. I was hoping to find some disorder or addiction that's not harmful but very common and had a cool name like dormiromania, but all I found was "Zoë, you may be depressed and you should probably drink less wine." This is why I hate the internet.
After much pondering I thought that maybe I just love my dreams. I mean I have some of the weirdest/craziest/kickass-est dreams sometimes and they feel so real that maybe I just wanna stay in there for a while longer and check out what happens? Coming from a Fall Out Boy lyric, "I need more dreams and less life." They probably mean it in a more depressing, emo way but whatever. It's like the movies, only I'm the star sooo what could be better?
But in conclusion I've found nothing out from today's brain-picking other than sleep is my one true love and I don't need a reason for that.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted
So today was like every other day this Summer. I woke up, ate something, showered, took Rex out (my room mate's dog) and then sat there bored for about thirty minutes. I took out money from my rent fund to go grocery shopping, promising myself that I'd replace it with the tips that I made at work tonight, lied around some more and then got ready for work. However, when I got to work around 5:30, my manager told me to go home because they were overstaffed. So I got back in my car and drove the same 20 minute drive on the Lloyd back to my apartment. That has been my day so far. Why is this significant? Well, it wouldn't be for a normal person.
I got to thinking while I was driving home in my stuffy, hot work uniform about how badly I just wanted to work. Then I asked myself why it mattered so much. Most college students would be overjoyed to have a Friday night off, but not me. My response to "why" is that I was bored. I was dreadfully BORED in my little dog-scented apartment. I had already watched enough movies and Netflix and read enough novels to get my fix for laziness. So my rebuttal was "go do something, it's Friday night." I quickly responded that I have no one to hang out with and no money to spend. Then that made me think even harder about my current situation. A) I have several friends living in Evansville so I don't know why I tell myself I have no one to hang out with. B) You don't NEED money to do things.
Why do I insist that my life is so unsatisfying and vapid?
I have been blaming last summer's emptiness on the fact that it was spent in Vincennes. I thought that living in Evansville would make this summer more interesting and less depressing, but I honestly can't escape it. I've realized that Vincennes is not what was boring me (although it helped) but just my life in general. I always complain about how much I hate school and work but in reality, I actually like it. I've said the phrase, "I hate responsibility" several dozen times but actually I think I love responsibility. I like having checklists to check off. I like having something to do at all times, and I never truly recognized that until my car ride home from work today. Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted; otherwise its just another wasted hour or two.
In conclusion, I've decided that I dislike summer months. Sure I get more sleep but who can compare sleep to daily brain-stimulation that you get with school? I should've taken a summer class.
I got to thinking while I was driving home in my stuffy, hot work uniform about how badly I just wanted to work. Then I asked myself why it mattered so much. Most college students would be overjoyed to have a Friday night off, but not me. My response to "why" is that I was bored. I was dreadfully BORED in my little dog-scented apartment. I had already watched enough movies and Netflix and read enough novels to get my fix for laziness. So my rebuttal was "go do something, it's Friday night." I quickly responded that I have no one to hang out with and no money to spend. Then that made me think even harder about my current situation. A) I have several friends living in Evansville so I don't know why I tell myself I have no one to hang out with. B) You don't NEED money to do things.
Why do I insist that my life is so unsatisfying and vapid?
I have been blaming last summer's emptiness on the fact that it was spent in Vincennes. I thought that living in Evansville would make this summer more interesting and less depressing, but I honestly can't escape it. I've realized that Vincennes is not what was boring me (although it helped) but just my life in general. I always complain about how much I hate school and work but in reality, I actually like it. I've said the phrase, "I hate responsibility" several dozen times but actually I think I love responsibility. I like having checklists to check off. I like having something to do at all times, and I never truly recognized that until my car ride home from work today. Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted; otherwise its just another wasted hour or two.
In conclusion, I've decided that I dislike summer months. Sure I get more sleep but who can compare sleep to daily brain-stimulation that you get with school? I should've taken a summer class.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The thoughts and concerns of a future French student
I'm studying abroad in France next year. I'm leaving the United States on September 7th and won't be returning until June 30. I'll be attending Université d'Aix Marseilles (which is in the South). I'm incredibly excited, however there are more emotions that I'd like to elaborate on.
I know that unless you have studied abroad/are going to study abroad/ have been in another country for an extended period of time, you probably think I'm being dramatic or ridiculous or negative, but I have more anxieties about this adventure than anything.
Firstly, I'm going to be gone for TEN MONTHS. "But Zoë, that's not even a year. Why are you freaking out?" My response is- this is going to be ten months spent ALONE. I'm going alone. I literally know no one. Everyone speaks another language (which I can speak, but not comfortably). Even if I could fluently speak French, I wouldn't make any friends. I am seriously so terrible at being social. All the friends I have now were made because they were friends of another friend. I'm awkward and shy and nervous and this is all going to blow up in my face when I get to France because I'm literally going to be alone. And sad.
Second- I have this other fear of what it will be like when I return home. There's a saying that's like "The worst thing about distance is not knowing whether or not they'll miss you or forget about you." This is my entire thought process when thinking about study abroad. I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to get back to USI and no one will know who I am in my sorority (which is very likely, considering there will be a new pledge class that's never heard my name before) and that every friend I had before I left will have new friends that inadvertently "took my place." This sounds SO dumb, I know, but isn't everyone afraid of being forgotten? Isn't everyone afraid of coming home and there being NO open arms to welcome you back? I am very aware that the world does not revolve around Zoë Cardinal-Wyant, and therefore everyone's lives will continue without me and I'll soon be a thing of the past.
Another fear is basically the fear of being homesick. I'm usually pretty content with being away from home but I've never been so far away that it's not a possibility to just go home. I've only been REALLY homesick maybe twice in my life and I know that it is one of the worst feelings. I know I can skype as much as I want and eventually SOMEONE will visit me in France, but that's not being home. I'm afraid of what I'll miss out on at home. There will be really exciting things that I wish I could be there for. Also what if something tragic(God forbid) happens at home? I won't be there to console or morn or anything like that. Maybe I worry too much, but lately that's all I can do.
Clearly I'm just entirely nervous and scared. Honestly though, who wouldn't be? This is a big deal, for me at least. I know that once I'm there and in the groove of things I'll enjoy it but for now I'm just trying to NOT hyperventilate every time someone brings up France.
I also know that this is an amazing experience that most people do not get to have and I'm very lucky to have this opportunity.....but reciting that sentence to me every time I say that I'm nervous does NOT make me feel better...more guilty for being nervous, I guess.
So everyone do me a favor and do not bring up my study abroad unless it's important. This including but not limited to: "Oh my god I can't believe you're leaving me" or "You won't be there for this or that" unless you'd like me to throw up my lunch onto your shoes...but thank you for everyone's support thus far. I really do appreciate/ need it. Let's just live in the moment.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
From Sacks to Sex
Recently I had to write a research paper for my History class over any topic I desired. Literally anything. Since I'm basically interested in two things, France and fashion, and I've already written plenty of papers over France by force, I chose to explore women's fashion. I wanted to know how we got to where we are today, trend wise. I also got an A on this paper, the only points being deducted for not having page numbers. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm proud and I think the topic is interesting so I decided to post it for everyone to read. Enjoy.
Women’s Fashion throughout History:
From Sacks to Sex
How is a woman defined in today’s
society? Most people would agree that a
woman is a fragile yet fierce, sexy yet elegant, and yielding yet obstinate
being. She is the bringer of life, the consoler
of hearts and the strength of many. Women
have come a long way in society since the beginning of time. The woman was once the passive member of the
home who complied with every order of the man.
Today, a woman can hold her own.
A woman can be sexy and fierce and unyielding without the judgment of
man and with acceptance from society.
One aspect of the woman that has expressed her character throughout
history is her clothes. From the
conservative and shapeless wardrobe of the medieval age to the suggestive and
tight-fitting trends today, there have been many changes to the way a woman
presents herself.
Women have always been referred to
as the delicate sex. With their smaller
frames and softer outer shell, this is an understandable conception. In most cases when someone obtains something
that is fragile, he or she will try to protect it or keep it safe. This is more or less the point of view
towards women in earlier times. Men saw
women as weak, but also precious and something that should be contained. This is what began the traditional wardrobe
of the woman. Women were always covered
from head to toe. In the medieval era of
the 1300’s, women dressed in sack-like garments. All was covered and there was no shape or
figure to the body. There was no hope
for women’s fashion at that time whereas the men’s dress was created to enhance
the beauty of their bodies to promote masculinity. The original expressive aim of female dress
was modesty and this is still practiced in some cultures and religions today.[1] However, women could not flaunt their curves
or even their skin up until the fourteenth century.
The fourteenth century marked the
beginning of a revolution for women’s clothing.
Up until then, women could not show any skin or they would be basically
shunned from society. Women began
showing more skin in the 1500’s however.
The lowering of the neckline instigated the potential new view of the
woman. She was no longer the precious being
in which you protected. She was now
starting to show the sexy side of herself.
France referred to this change as “décolletage” or “selective exposer of
the skin.”[2] This décolletage aroused a new erotic view of
women. The idea of women as sexual
figures sparked the change in women’s fashion forever.
Now that the neckline had dropped, women’s clothing could be
altered differently and was done in a less modest manner. Although dresses were always the standard
attire for women, they were not varied until the sixteenth century. Dresses became popular in more than one
variation after the male revolution of the middle ages. This was the start of real “fashion” for
women. Two-pieced dresses were common as
well as the petticoat and headdress.
Petticoats were basically an undergarment that women wore under their
skirts which hung from the waist to the floor.
The headdresses were important, for they expressed the ongoing theme of
modesty, even though the modesty had phased out into a lesser concentration. The petticoat and veil were major defining
female garments. When long hair and head
coverings were given up in the seventeenth century, the change was shockingly
profound.[3]
Women continued to dress in two pieced
dresses with petticoats and low necklines throughout the eighteenth and
nineteenth centuries. The eighteenth
century introduced the importance of the silhouette of the woman’s body. Corsets and many more petticoats were worn to
exaggerate the structure of the hourglass figure. More color and design was put into play when
designing a woman’s dress during this time period.[4] Fashion became more prominent of an idea
instead of just clothing. Women were now
dressing to flaunt their curves and womanly features rather than hiding and
protecting them. The late 1800’s brought
forth a brand new idea for women’s dress:
trousers.
Trousers for women in the late 1800’s were still socially
unacceptable but were worn on occasion.
Pants were worn by low-class women.
These women included dancers, acrobats, actresses, singers, mine
workers, fisherfolk, and agricultural laborers.
Women had begun to work men’s jobs during this time period but were
considered low-class. Other than being
low-class, pants were unacceptable because they were viewed as soft-core
pornography at the time. The separation
of a woman’s legs by a piece of fabric was only used for seductive purposes and
therefore was socially intolerable.[5] Although they were not widely worn, pants had
begun to appear on some women which had unknowingly originated a new revolution
for women’s fashion which took place in the twentieth century.
The 1900’s opened new doors for women in many aspects, fashion of
course being one of them. World War I
gave the opportunity for women to work men’s jobs while their husbands were
away. This alone gave a new idea of
women’s independence and freedoms.
Publicly working women wore skirts and factory working women wore pants.[6] Only the women working in factories and other
hidden jobs wore pants because they were still not entirely accepted by the
public yet. Meanwhile in France, women’s
pants were an idea for designers’ inspiration.
Paul Poiret, a French fashion designer, designed a trend of “divided
skirts” which led to his first women’s trouser design in 1913 referred to as
harem pants. Harem pants were wide-legged
trousers that gathered up at the ankles, giving them the look of a skirt. These were based off of costume designs and
were to be worn with a long tunic.[7]
Aside from the skirt-like pants of Poiret, another French designer
had ideas of her own. Gabrielle “Coco”
Chanel had respect for the wearing of pants.
In fact, she often wore her husband’s suits around in comfort. Coco had once said, “Fashion does not only
exist in dresses.”[8]
Chanel had visited Venice, Italy in the early 1900’s and was inspired by the
pants worn by the gondola rowers. These
pants influenced her design of the wide-legged women’s trouser pants.[9] This design exploded the likeliness of a
woman’s ability to wear something other than a skirt. In the 1930’s, pants were stylish but still
shocking to wear. It was acceptable to
wear pants however for sports and activities like horseback riding which were
designed also by Coco Chanel. People
still saw pants on women as unnatural and masculine but this did not prevent
some women from wearing them. Famous
women like Marlene Dietrich and Katherine Hepburn wore pants on a regular
basis. This made the women’s pants into
a trend. In 1939, the first vogue was
issued with women in pants playing sports pictured on the cover.[10] Pajama pants were also widely acceptable for
women and seen as a fashion staple in the 1930’s.[11]
After pants became a trend in the 1930’s, the designs and
variations of them increased throughout the 1900’s. The 1940’s gave more opportunities for women
to work which made pants more acceptable to wear. However in the 1950’s, pants were discouraged
more because of the post-World War II feminine look. Although they were discouraged, they were
still accepted and worn. Audrey Hepburn
created the trend of high-waist cigarette and capri pants which continued into
the 1960’s. The sixties was a decade of full social acceptance of women wearing
pants. Women could wear pants casually
and in the workplace judge free and comfortably.
Now that women could freely wear pants as they pleased, designers
created what seemed to be a new trend of women’s pants each decade. The seventies are known for the bell bottomed
flare trousers as seen in the Charlie’s Angels movies. The eighties was a decade of tight fitting
clothing on the bottom half. Skinny
jeans and cotton leggings were worn regularly by women during this time. The nineties consisted of the “grunge” look
which normally meant baggy or ripped jeans on women. The 1990’s put forth a vibe of “I just rolled
out of bed” from everyone and women were equally as grunge as the men.[12] In the late 1990’s, two-thirds of the women
in the United States wore pants several times a week.[13] This was the conclusion of the women’s dress
revolution. Women were allowed to
express their identities through their clothes however they pleased and it was
socially acceptable.
The turn of the century
introduced low-rise, boot-leg, flare, and boyfriend style jeans for women. By 2010, all types of jeans were basically
designed and so now the trends are mainly repeats of the past trends.[14] The twenty-first century also increased the
sexuality of women in their attire.
Women seem to think along the lines of “less is more” when getting
dressed in this day and age. However, it
is socially acceptable.
In conclusion, there is a
noticeable difference in the way women present themselves today compared to how
they did many centuries ago. Women
started off wearing sack-like dresses that covered every inch of their body and
are currently wearing less and less daily.
Women can freely express their sexuality and character with the help of
fashion. Fashion can emphasize a woman’s
elegant or feminine side as well as her sexy and independent side. Every woman can thank the historical events
and courageous women and men that began and concluded the revolution of women’s
fashion, for now women have the ability to wear whatever they feel.
[1] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New
York: Knopf, 1994), 42
[2] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New
York: Knopf, 1994), 47
[3] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New
York: Knopf, 1994), 48
[4] Fashion
Timeline. Vintage Fashion Guild. Accessed March 25, 2014.
http://vintagefashionguild.org/fashion-timeline/
[5] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New
York: Knopf, 1994), 48
[6] Trousers
for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014. http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com
[7] Valerie Steele, Paris Fashion: A
Cultural History (New York: Oxford University Press, 1988), 36.
[8] Valerie Steele, Paris Fashion: A
Cultural History (New York: Oxford University Press, 1988), 12.
[9] Fashion
rewind: A brief history of trousers
through the ages. Secret Closet.
Accessed November 24, 2014.
http://www.secretcloset.pk/
[10] Trousers
for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014. http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com
[11] Fashion
rewind: A brief history of trousers
through the ages. Secret Closet.
Accessed November 24, 2014.
http://www.secretcloset.pk/
[12] Fashion
rewind: A brief history of trousers
through the ages. Secret Closet.
Accessed November 24, 2014.
http://www.secretcloset.pk/
[13] Trousers
for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014. http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com
[14] Fashion
rewind: A brief history of trousers
through the ages. Secret Closet.
Accessed November 24, 2014.
http://www.secretcloset.pk/
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