I know that unless you have studied abroad/are going to study abroad/ have been in another country for an extended period of time, you probably think I'm being dramatic or ridiculous or negative, but I have more anxieties about this adventure than anything.
Firstly, I'm going to be gone for TEN MONTHS. "But Zoë, that's not even a year. Why are you freaking out?" My response is- this is going to be ten months spent ALONE. I'm going alone. I literally know no one. Everyone speaks another language (which I can speak, but not comfortably). Even if I could fluently speak French, I wouldn't make any friends. I am seriously so terrible at being social. All the friends I have now were made because they were friends of another friend. I'm awkward and shy and nervous and this is all going to blow up in my face when I get to France because I'm literally going to be alone. And sad.
Second- I have this other fear of what it will be like when I return home. There's a saying that's like "The worst thing about distance is not knowing whether or not they'll miss you or forget about you." This is my entire thought process when thinking about study abroad. I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to get back to USI and no one will know who I am in my sorority (which is very likely, considering there will be a new pledge class that's never heard my name before) and that every friend I had before I left will have new friends that inadvertently "took my place." This sounds SO dumb, I know, but isn't everyone afraid of being forgotten? Isn't everyone afraid of coming home and there being NO open arms to welcome you back? I am very aware that the world does not revolve around Zoë Cardinal-Wyant, and therefore everyone's lives will continue without me and I'll soon be a thing of the past.
Another fear is basically the fear of being homesick. I'm usually pretty content with being away from home but I've never been so far away that it's not a possibility to just go home. I've only been REALLY homesick maybe twice in my life and I know that it is one of the worst feelings. I know I can skype as much as I want and eventually SOMEONE will visit me in France, but that's not being home. I'm afraid of what I'll miss out on at home. There will be really exciting things that I wish I could be there for. Also what if something tragic(God forbid) happens at home? I won't be there to console or morn or anything like that. Maybe I worry too much, but lately that's all I can do.
Clearly I'm just entirely nervous and scared. Honestly though, who wouldn't be? This is a big deal, for me at least. I know that once I'm there and in the groove of things I'll enjoy it but for now I'm just trying to NOT hyperventilate every time someone brings up France.
I also know that this is an amazing experience that most people do not get to have and I'm very lucky to have this opportunity.....but reciting that sentence to me every time I say that I'm nervous does NOT make me feel better...more guilty for being nervous, I guess.
So everyone do me a favor and do not bring up my study abroad unless it's important. This including but not limited to: "Oh my god I can't believe you're leaving me" or "You won't be there for this or that" unless you'd like me to throw up my lunch onto your shoes...but thank you for everyone's support thus far. I really do appreciate/ need it. Let's just live in the moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment