Well it's 3:00 am and I've been lying in my bed in the dark for the past 3 hours. I don't know what's causing me to think so depressingly lately but now I can't sleep because of it. So here I am, eating peanut butter and marshmallow fluff with a fork and pondering my life's most questionable attributes.
I used to always wonder why everyone said that divorce screwed up the kids in some way because I never felt "screwed up." After my parents divorced, my brother had a period of depression, my sister was struck with high anxiety, and I seemed to go on like it never happened. This is true for the most part. I never could find anything to blame the divorce on but I think I just had a Eureka moment.
I have always known and been aware of my problems with commitment. I pine after things for so long that they seem unattainable and then as soon as I get them I freak out and don't want them anymore. A small example is every boyfriend I've ever had. I would say I got "uninterested" but honestly my mind would turn every good trait of a guy I liked into a terrible annoyance and then I would end it quickly and without hesitation. A larger scale example is my study abroad opportunity. I've been talking about spending a year in France for the past 4 years and now that it's actually becoming real, I'm turning away. My mind keeps bringing every negative point about going to France and highlighting them so big and bold that they overshadow any good, happy, or exciting thought. I don't want to go at all anymore and I wish I could end the arrangements quickly and without hesitation. Aside from the two examples given, this kind of thing is a recurrence. I cannot get myself to commit to anything or anyone, no matter how much I actually wanted them before it got "real."'
So I realized that where my brother got the depression problem and my sister got the anxiety problem, I got the "forever alone and unsatisfied with every decision" problem. I mean how could I trust any situation or person after seeing the way my mum was treated in her first marriage?
(However, I'm not pointing the finger of blame on anyone for my commitment issues; I just think if anything helped form these issues, the divorce would be it.)
No comments:
Post a Comment