I have a body image problem. Okay, there, I said it. I feel like it's always been in the back of my mind and just never really showed itself until this semester.
Growing up, I've always been small. Very short, very skinny. My older sister used to always be a tiny bit bigger than me...which made sense because she's my OLDER sister. However, in high school she seemed to stop growing (both up and out) as I continued. Since I was about 15 or 16, I've been significantly bigger than my older sister. I have always been short, though, and skinny, just not as small as my sister. I'm maybe 2-3 inches taller and weigh..kind of a lot more than her. This is where the problems began.
You see, my sister and I used to fight a lot. I mean A LOT. I'm pretty sure we fought more than any other pair of sisters have fought before. We were enemies. I hated her, she hated me. In the time period of which we despised each other, my sister found an insult that always worked on me. Any time I was "winning" and argument, she'd throw the "at least I'm not FAT" card at me. This honestly didn't bother me through high school too much because I knew I was still skinny. It would always hurt for a little while and then I'd brush it off. However, since I've been at college it's been a much different reaction.
My sister and I are friends now. I like talking to her and hanging out with her and listening to Fall Out Boy with her. We don't really get into arguments like we used to..but she still likes to throw the occasional "fat" or "ugly" insult my way. I won't even say anything mean and she'll be like "Yea..I'm obviously the prettier sibling." She isn't even joking when she says this. She says it in all seriousness and belief! Another thing she does is she'll be like "I'm taking this shirt (or this pair of pants)" and I'll say, "They won't even fit you" and she'll snap back with a, "Actually, they'll probably fit me better. Everything you wear is too small on you because you're fat." Like WHY is that necessary? It's not. I NEVER say anything like that to her. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Like why is she still so competitive? Why does she want me to feel bad about myself?
Anyway, the point of this blog is to confess my body image problem that has gotten so much worse than it was. I have gained 8 pounds since August. I can't even look at myself in the mirror with out getting insanely pissed off or sad. I almost cry every night because I can feel how fat I am when I lay in my bed. I've tried to starve myself, but it's too hard. I wish I could. I eat a maximum of 1100 calories a day though. I feel a little bit better every night when I enter my calorie counter and it says that I'm eating an unhealthy amount of calories a day. I'm going to lose that 8 pounds...maybe even more if I can. I don't want to come back from school and be that girl who gained her freshman 15. I don't think I could handle that.
In closing, I did not write this for attention, advice, help, compliments, or insults. I wrote it to get it off my chest. I don't really feel any better though. I will once I lose that weight. I'll keep you posted, blogger followers.
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