Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted

So today was like every other day this Summer.  I woke up, ate something, showered, took Rex out (my room mate's dog) and then sat there bored for about thirty minutes.  I took out money from my rent fund to go grocery shopping, promising myself that I'd replace it with the tips that I made at work tonight, lied around some more and then got ready for work. However, when I got to work around 5:30, my manager told me to go home because they were overstaffed.  So I got back in my car and drove the same 20 minute drive on the Lloyd back to my apartment.  That has been my day so far.  Why is this significant?  Well, it wouldn't be for a normal person.
I got to thinking while I was driving home in my stuffy, hot work uniform about how badly I just wanted to work.  Then I asked myself why it mattered so much.  Most college students would be overjoyed to have a Friday night off, but not me.  My response to "why" is that I was bored.  I was dreadfully BORED in my little dog-scented apartment.  I had already watched enough movies and Netflix and read enough novels to get my fix for laziness. So my rebuttal was "go do something, it's Friday night."  I quickly responded that I have no one to hang out with and no money to spend.  Then that made me think even harder about my current situation.  A) I have several friends living in Evansville so I don't know why I tell myself I have no one to hang out with.  B) You don't NEED money to do things.
Why do I insist that my life is so unsatisfying and vapid?
I have been blaming last summer's emptiness on the fact that it was spent in Vincennes.  I thought that living in Evansville would make this summer more interesting and less depressing, but I honestly can't escape it.  I've realized that Vincennes is not what was boring me (although it helped) but just my life in general. I always complain about how much I hate school and work but in reality, I actually like it.  I've said the phrase, "I hate responsibility" several dozen times but actually I think I love responsibility.  I like having checklists to check off.  I like having something to do at all times, and I never truly recognized that until my car ride home from work today.  Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted; otherwise its just another wasted hour or two.
In conclusion,  I've decided that I dislike summer months.  Sure I get more sleep but who can compare sleep to daily brain-stimulation that you get with school?  I should've taken a summer class.
 
    

The thoughts and concerns of a future French student

I'm studying abroad in France next year.  I'm leaving the United States on September 7th and won't be returning until June 30.  I'll be attending Université d'Aix Marseilles (which is in the South).  I'm incredibly excited, however there are more emotions that I'd like to elaborate on.

I know that unless you have studied abroad/are going to study abroad/ have been in another country for an extended period of time, you probably think I'm being dramatic or ridiculous or negative, but I have more anxieties about this adventure than anything.

Firstly, I'm going to be gone for TEN MONTHS.  "But Zoë, that's not even a year. Why are you freaking out?"  My response is- this is going to be ten months spent ALONE.  I'm going alone.  I literally know no one.  Everyone speaks another language (which I can speak, but not comfortably).  Even if I could fluently speak French, I wouldn't make any friends.  I am seriously so terrible at being social.  All the friends I have now were made because they were friends of another friend.  I'm awkward and shy and nervous and this is all going to blow up in my face when I get to France because I'm literally going to be alone.  And sad.

Second- I have this other fear of what it will be like when I return home.  There's a saying that's like "The worst thing about distance is not knowing whether or not they'll miss you or forget about you."  This is my entire thought process when thinking about study abroad.  I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to get back to USI and no one will know who I am in my sorority (which is very likely, considering there will be a new pledge class that's never heard my name before) and that every friend I had before I left will have new friends that inadvertently "took my place."  This sounds SO dumb, I know, but isn't everyone afraid of being forgotten?  Isn't everyone afraid of coming home and there being NO open arms to welcome you back? I am very aware that the world does not revolve around Zoë Cardinal-Wyant, and therefore everyone's lives will continue without me and I'll soon be a thing of the past.

Another fear is basically the fear of being homesick.  I'm usually pretty content with being away from home but I've never been so far away that it's not a possibility to just go home.  I've only been REALLY homesick maybe twice in my life and I know that it is one of the worst feelings.  I know I can skype as much as I want and eventually SOMEONE will visit me in France, but that's not being home.  I'm afraid of what I'll miss out on at home.  There will be really exciting things that I wish I could be there for.  Also what if something tragic(God forbid) happens at home?  I won't be there to console or morn or anything like that.  Maybe I worry too much, but lately that's all I can do.

Clearly I'm just entirely nervous and scared.  Honestly though, who wouldn't be?  This is a big deal, for me at least.  I know that once I'm there and in the groove of things I'll enjoy it but for now I'm just trying to NOT hyperventilate every time someone brings up France.

I also know that this is an amazing experience that most people do not get to have and I'm very lucky to have this opportunity.....but reciting that sentence to me every time I say that I'm nervous does NOT make me feel better...more guilty for being nervous, I guess.

So everyone do me a favor and do not bring up my study abroad unless it's important.  This including but not limited to: "Oh my god I can't believe you're leaving me" or "You won't be there for this or that" unless you'd like me to throw up my lunch onto your shoes...but thank you for everyone's support thus far.  I really do appreciate/ need it.  Let's just live in the moment.