Alright so I'm going to start out this blog saying that it was NOT written for attention. I am not doing this for pity or anything like it; I just wanna get this out.
My whole life I've considered myself to be pretty. I'm not trying to sound conceited either, I'm just saying that I've been confident most of my life. I mean, I've had a few conceited moments in my life here and there, but isn't that healthy? (Examples: Damn my hair is cute! My eyes look pretty in the sunlight. I feel hot in this outfit!) Cheesy examples, I know. Anyway, I've always in some way or another felt pretty but since I moved away to college I have realized that there is SO much competition in the world. I don't mean that I'm battling girls to be the most beautiful, but there are A LOT more pretty girls than there are in just Vincennes. For example, my room mates look like their 25. It's like the only girls that are ''desirable'' on a college campus are the ones that are super tall and tan and lean and athletic except their hair is down to their waist. Let's be honest, I am NONE of that. I'm short, with short hair, and can't get a dark tan to save my life. I'm not saying I'm fat, because I'm not, but I don't have the perfect flat tummy that's what to strive for.
Last night I literally looked through each of my profile pictures on facebook, figuring out what I need that I DON'T have. The list is endless and I cant even change myself enough to become what I ''should'' be. I don't WANT to change, but I do feel out of place. I mean, back in Vincennes my friends and I were all about the same height, same weight, and all looked a lot younger than we really were. That was fine in Vincennes. That was almost normal ! However in college, or Evansville, it's normal to look like you're a model in your mid twenties.
After going over this whole set of ideas and realizations last night I came to a conclusion. I AM pretty. I'm not the same type of pretty as most of the girls I know on campus, but I'm pretty. I may look younger, but that's only going to be a good thing in the future. I shouldn't waste my time comparing myself to other girls, but I do it anyway because my nature. I'm not really a jealous person, but I'm a girl. I have moments of low self-esteem. I feel like it's going to take a long time for me to realize for sure that I am myself and people will be okay with that as long as I am. Also there are going to be people who think I'm ugly. I'm okay with that.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
You're Gonna Miss This..
I graduated high school on Friday. It's so weird! What's really weird is the way it hit me. The night of graduation, everyone was so happy and excited (as expected) and when I got home from the ceremony I cried for 20 minutes straight! It was not just tears either, it was full on bawling. I felt like total crap afterward! I was in a terrible mood! I went to eat with my friends later that night and I was a bitch the whole time (mainly because my friend's boyfriend kept doing things to piss me off on purpose). I freaking hate him. That's beside the point though. I even started crying in the restaurant and had to rush to the bathroom so they wouldn't see me. They knew, of course, but they didn't care. It was so stupid. The ceremony was really great though. I had a nice graduation....I just hated my life afterward. I'm not sure why.
It's so strange to think that in a couple months I'm going to be packing up all of my things and moving to live in my college dorm. I'll be living with a stranger in a somewhat strange place. I'm excited and scared all together. Time seriously flies by though.
It's so strange to think that in a couple months I'm going to be packing up all of my things and moving to live in my college dorm. I'll be living with a stranger in a somewhat strange place. I'm excited and scared all together. Time seriously flies by though.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Excuse my French, but I'm in France!
This weekend was a success! I didn't have to work on Friday, so I went to the game and then went to eat. Then I worked all day Saturday and stayed at Kelsey's, and today I had dance and went to Madame's house for a party!
First I would like to vent about my job at Peafections. I have worked there for 4 stinkin' years and have always liked it, but lately it's only been pissing me off. The manager is the biggest bitch ever. I mean, if you didn't work with her she would seem like the nicest lady but when you're her fellow employee it's like hell. My boss has been out for a while because she had surgery and I want her to come back sooooo bad. Without her there, the manager has total range to be as big of a bitch she wants to be. She's in charge. One example: I had a phone in my pocket and it started ringing when I was just reaching out to grab two bowls of soup to take to table. My manager was behind me and yelled at me to answer the phone. I was obviously doing something, you weren't, so why did I have to answer it? I dropped the bowls and answered the damn phone like she said. That was only the first thing though. She yelled at me for EVERYTHING I did. I apologize for not being a good waitress helper anymore aparently. I have been doing things the same way...dumb bitch. Also, she KNEW that I had to work at Applebee's at 4 so I needed to be off by 3. When 3:00 came along and I was about to clock out, what did she do? She made everyone meet so all the servers could complain about everything I did wrong. She like went in a circle so everyone could talk and when she got to me I wanted to say something like, "I don't really feel like this meeting was arranged for MY opinions to be heard, it was just for YOURS, so I have nothing to say." I did not end up saying what I wanted to of course. I said, "I have no complaints except for disagreements." I could have screamed ather, but I knew that there was no use arguing. SHE is ALWAYS right. I was almost late to Applebee's because of her. Once again, dumb bitch. I can't stand working there anymore because I can't stand the manager!! I want to quit really bad, but I don't want to do that because I feel like I owe my boss. She hired me when I was 14 and has allowed me to only work Saturdays! I don't know..it's a sore subject obviously.
Okay, now that I've blabbed on about how much I hate the manager of Peafections, I'll go on with my blog. Tonight was the reunion party for the kids that went to France last Summer. Only 5 of us showed up, but it was still a load of fun, of course! We ate quiche, poutine, chocolate mousse, french bread and cheese, and chocolate fondue! It was so delicious and all of the working out I did today was thrown away...for a good cause I guess. After we ate, madame projected all of our pictures from the trip so we could look at them and reminisce. One of the pictures being me and Vincent (my french guy) kissing. Hey, I'm not ashamed! France was really the best thing that's happened to me. It was the greatest experience of my life! I made new friends in another country...two countries counting the Australians we met in Dordogne, and became close with the girls I went with. I don't mean to sound cheesey, but that trip changed my life! I'm so thankful to be lucky enough to get to go and to host my French pen pal in America as well! My english teacher was talking the other day about his "escape route", meaning the place he goes in his mind when life gets rough, and mine is definitely France. Whether it's Dordogne with Alyssa and Kyle and Allison and Allie, and the Booth sisters, or Vincennes with Alma and Vincent, France is my "escape route." I'm done being cheesey and nostalgic now, but here's some pictures from my trip :
Metro
Vincent :)
Dordogne
Eiffel tower
Alyssa, Vincent, me, Kyle
Cute waiter at a cafe
Remi :)
Our Abbey Road photo
Now here's a video for the song "Niggas in Paris." If this song had been out last Summer, we would have been singing it non stop in France.!
First I would like to vent about my job at Peafections. I have worked there for 4 stinkin' years and have always liked it, but lately it's only been pissing me off. The manager is the biggest bitch ever. I mean, if you didn't work with her she would seem like the nicest lady but when you're her fellow employee it's like hell. My boss has been out for a while because she had surgery and I want her to come back sooooo bad. Without her there, the manager has total range to be as big of a bitch she wants to be. She's in charge. One example: I had a phone in my pocket and it started ringing when I was just reaching out to grab two bowls of soup to take to table. My manager was behind me and yelled at me to answer the phone. I was obviously doing something, you weren't, so why did I have to answer it? I dropped the bowls and answered the damn phone like she said. That was only the first thing though. She yelled at me for EVERYTHING I did. I apologize for not being a good waitress helper anymore aparently. I have been doing things the same way...dumb bitch. Also, she KNEW that I had to work at Applebee's at 4 so I needed to be off by 3. When 3:00 came along and I was about to clock out, what did she do? She made everyone meet so all the servers could complain about everything I did wrong. She like went in a circle so everyone could talk and when she got to me I wanted to say something like, "I don't really feel like this meeting was arranged for MY opinions to be heard, it was just for YOURS, so I have nothing to say." I did not end up saying what I wanted to of course. I said, "I have no complaints except for disagreements." I could have screamed ather, but I knew that there was no use arguing. SHE is ALWAYS right. I was almost late to Applebee's because of her. Once again, dumb bitch. I can't stand working there anymore because I can't stand the manager!! I want to quit really bad, but I don't want to do that because I feel like I owe my boss. She hired me when I was 14 and has allowed me to only work Saturdays! I don't know..it's a sore subject obviously.
Okay, now that I've blabbed on about how much I hate the manager of Peafections, I'll go on with my blog. Tonight was the reunion party for the kids that went to France last Summer. Only 5 of us showed up, but it was still a load of fun, of course! We ate quiche, poutine, chocolate mousse, french bread and cheese, and chocolate fondue! It was so delicious and all of the working out I did today was thrown away...for a good cause I guess. After we ate, madame projected all of our pictures from the trip so we could look at them and reminisce. One of the pictures being me and Vincent (my french guy) kissing. Hey, I'm not ashamed! France was really the best thing that's happened to me. It was the greatest experience of my life! I made new friends in another country...two countries counting the Australians we met in Dordogne, and became close with the girls I went with. I don't mean to sound cheesey, but that trip changed my life! I'm so thankful to be lucky enough to get to go and to host my French pen pal in America as well! My english teacher was talking the other day about his "escape route", meaning the place he goes in his mind when life gets rough, and mine is definitely France. Whether it's Dordogne with Alyssa and Kyle and Allison and Allie, and the Booth sisters, or Vincennes with Alma and Vincent, France is my "escape route." I'm done being cheesey and nostalgic now, but here's some pictures from my trip :
Metro
Vincent :)
Dordogne
Eiffel tower
Alyssa, Vincent, me, Kyle
Cute waiter at a cafe
Remi :)
Our Abbey Road photoMonday, August 22, 2011
Omniomania
I was just reading an article online and I just had to share. I feel like I have a slight shopping addiction, and it IS and addiction, and I wanted to know if it was a real disorder. As it turns out, it is real. It's called Omniomania. It says that only about 6% of the U.S. population is thought to have Omniomania, and it usually co-occurs with other disorders, including mood and anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, eating disorders, other impulse control disorders, and personality disorders. Omniomania is a way to cope with stress and usually begins around late teenage years to early adulthood.
There has been speculations about whether Omniomania is an obsessive compulsive disorder, an impulsive control disorder, a mood disorder, or an addiction. It was soon decided to be viewed as an impulsive-compulsive spectrum disorder. I have no idea what that is. I feel like it's an addiction, but it also ties in with those other things. It really is a problem, that I'm atleast aware of, and I need to fix! It said in the article that it can be fixed by medications, or counseling, or self-help books. I'm not about to take medicine for it, and I don't want to go to counseling, so I guess I'm going to try to fix this on my own.
The bad thing about my shopping addiction is that I not only spend all of my own money, but also my mom's, my step-dad's, and my grandparent's. I would borrow money from anyone who is willing to lend it and I can never pay them back because I spend everything I make on my clothes. I now have 3 closets and a rolling rack that is breaking from the weight. I also have clothes in drawers and under my bed in tubs, and hanging in the basement. If no one believes me, they can see for themselves that I seriously have a problem!! I shop atleast once a week, everytime a get a check. It's awful and I feel ashamed, but I can't stop!!!
There has been speculations about whether Omniomania is an obsessive compulsive disorder, an impulsive control disorder, a mood disorder, or an addiction. It was soon decided to be viewed as an impulsive-compulsive spectrum disorder. I have no idea what that is. I feel like it's an addiction, but it also ties in with those other things. It really is a problem, that I'm atleast aware of, and I need to fix! It said in the article that it can be fixed by medications, or counseling, or self-help books. I'm not about to take medicine for it, and I don't want to go to counseling, so I guess I'm going to try to fix this on my own.
The bad thing about my shopping addiction is that I not only spend all of my own money, but also my mom's, my step-dad's, and my grandparent's. I would borrow money from anyone who is willing to lend it and I can never pay them back because I spend everything I make on my clothes. I now have 3 closets and a rolling rack that is breaking from the weight. I also have clothes in drawers and under my bed in tubs, and hanging in the basement. If no one believes me, they can see for themselves that I seriously have a problem!! I shop atleast once a week, everytime a get a check. It's awful and I feel ashamed, but I can't stop!!!
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