Exile or Adulthood?

So as I've stated in a previous post, I've been living at home this summer (without a job may I add).   I was lying here trying to sleep and of course I started to become nostalgic - nostalgia is my worst enemy. I thought back to high school and how eventful all of my weekends and summers used to be. I never stayed at home because I was always with my friends. This was an awesome time of my life: I got to be a socialite and dress up cute every night; it was great.  I thought about how I spent my time nowadays and it's much different. Actually it's completely different.  I never thought I would stray from my high school best friends but it's like I unintentionally exiled myself from the people in Vincennes when I moved to Evansville. I never talk to any of them or see any of them and if I hang out with anyone it's either my boyfriend or my friends I met at USI. Obviously this isn't a big deal because this is what happens when you grow up. You make new friends, you do new things for fun, you make different yet equally as stupid decisions, and the old you will just continue to be a cloud of nostalgia.  However then I thought- "is everyone hanging out without me?" Is this separation between me and Vincennes a side effect of growing up or have I just exiled myself?  I guess if everyone else's lives are continuing the same as before then I've just pulled myself out of the social circle. In retrospect, that's exactly what I've always wanted to do.  I couldn't wait to get out of Vincennes and rid myself of anything having to do with this deadbeat town...so I guess high school Zoë would be proud.  Now I'm just rambling and I don't seem to have a point so I apologize to anyone who's actually reading this god awful blog.

What really is "happiness?"

If anyone has been keeping up with my life via social network, you'd know that I've sort of been living a bit of a vagabond life.  I've been spending all of my money on gas and coffee to make one trip after another and I haven't been working at all. This month of traveling is what I've always wanted to do with my summers. However, despite the perfection of the past couple weeks, I still find myself unhappy, which makes me question: what really is happiness?
I used to always tie happiness and satisfaction together. I'd say things like "if I could just have this I'd be happy" or "if this would happen I'd be satisfied with my life right now." I would think that satisfying my desires would result in happiness. That makes sense right?
My new theory is a bit different. You see, all of my desires are being satisfied at this point in my life. I can't really think of anything that could be better.  Why am I still feeling unhappy?  I think that once you finally fulfill a goal or a want of some kind, that makes you desire even more. So what really is satisfaction? Can a person really ever be satisfied? Maybe it's the greed in human nature that makes us want the best of the best in our lives or maybe it's just ambition. Altogether, I realize that satisfaction is not something to be obtained, but rather chased.  Maybe that's the meaning of life. Chasing satisfaction to the end of your days just to make your life the best it can be. 
Along the lines of "happiness" I think that it's a choice that requires effort.  Happiness will not just come to you. I guess that I shouldn't say I'm unhappy, just still chasing satisfaction. 

Foods I will miss while in France

I think I've had just about every type of breakdown about going to France but tonight I had a new one.  I am known to be a food lover, and I mean all food.  There are two things that I refuse to eat completely and that's asparagus and grapefruit, because they're absolutely disgusting, but I'll eat literally everything else.  Tonight while eating dinner I thought to myself, "I wonder if they even have this food in France."  I then Googled and found several foods and drinks that I adore in America, but are not in France.

Peanut butter - I knew this one before I googled, but it's still so depressing to me.  I could eat a whole jar in one sitting (actually I ate half a jar last night).  Peanut butter and jelly?!  Oh, and the REESE'S?!  I won't get Reese's eggs around Easter.  What am I going to do with myself.

Froyo - No, I'm not kidding.  There's no frozen yogurt in France.

Iced Coffee - I read online that they don't serve iced coffee drinks.  This makes sense to me because France and I'm pretty sure all of Europe lives life sans ice but come on...I'm thinking of packing an ice tray so I can ice my own coffee on hot days.  If everyone doesn't already know I'm American, they will then.

Pancakes - The lack of pancakes is definitely something that will make me homesick.  Sure there's crepes, but I regularly get a craving for a big plate of pancakes with a bunch of peanut butter and maple syrup on them and that craving will be left unsatisfied for a year.  Oh, not to mention that maple syrup is a rarity in France as well. *sigh*

Bagels - Yea.. no bagels for breakfast in France.

Bacon - I don't want your ham.  I want BACON.  Like, I'm not a huge bacon eater but sometimes a BLT is just a gift from the gods.

Pumpkin Pie - NO PUMPKIN PIE ON THANKSGIVING.  However, they don't celebrate thanksgiving for obvious reasons so since the holiday will be skipped I can hopefully avoid my cravings for pumpkin pie.

Biscuits and Gravy - Yet another delicious breakfast food I'll be deprived of.  Apparently this just an American thing to eat?  I think Europeans should try it because it's definitely tasty.

Buffalo Wings - *heart breaks in two*

Root Beer, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper - Although I try not to drink much pop in America anyway, it's comforting to be able to get one when I'm seriously craving one.  This one just sucks because sometimes your thirst is unquenchable to anything other than a cold Dr. Pepper. Ugh.

Donuts - What the hell do they even eat for breakfast over there?! Sheesh.

Fair Food - Is it only in America that people have cravings for fried food?  Fried pickles, Fried cheese (mozzarella sticks), funnel cakes which are some type of fried something...anything from fried Oreos to fried candy bars-- I will devour.

So obviously after reading all of this I had another small breakdown.  I recovered from this one quickly however, realizing all the awesome foods I'll be able to eat there that aren't served in America.  For example, Croque-Monsieurs, quiche, crepes, eclairs, macaroons, Orangina, Schweppes, Foie gras, and don't get me started on the BREAD and CHEESES. Nonetheless, I'd advise you to not bother visiting me unless you bring me Reese's eggs and Dr. Pepper.

Guy friends who catch feelings

Alright so tonight I would like to express my feelings towards "guy friends who catch feelings."  I've had quite a few close guy friends in my life because let's face it, sometimes girls are annoying. Sometimes a girl just wants to play video games or build campfires or do stupid idiotic things without having to listen to drama the whole time. Plus, it's nice to have a few dudes there to stand up for you like your big brother when you need them.
However, somewhere along the lines, guys have a tendency to forget the whole brother/sister relationship that once was and they get this crazy idea that their best girl friends will one day be their GIRLFRIENDS. Let me say from experience that the world is not a typical rom-com and usually if a girl has always hung out with you in her pjs and stuffs her face with junk food and farts in your presence, she is friend zoning you. She doesn't even have to be that way either though. If she ever uses the word "friend" or "pal" or "bud" with you she is using it to purposely friend zone you.
Now I'm sure there are some relationships that stem from best friendships but never in my life have I wanted to date one of my guy friends unless I initially had feelings for them.
The worst part of the confused guy friend is when they become delusional and think that you two have "hooked up" or even have come close for that matter. They continue to tell all their friends that you two have totally slept together. Lying about getting with a girl doesn't make you cool; it makes you delusional, and I feel sorry that you have to make up fake stories about getting laid. What is the deal with that? Does that make a man feel manlier? So annoying.
The sad thing is that this situation has happened to me several times. It's like it's impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex.

Late night eureka moments

Well it's 3:00 am and I've been lying in my bed in the dark for the past 3 hours.  I don't know what's causing me to think so depressingly lately but now I can't sleep because of it.  So here I am, eating peanut butter and marshmallow fluff with a fork and pondering my life's most questionable attributes.
I used to always wonder why everyone said that divorce screwed up the kids in some way because I never felt "screwed up."  After my parents divorced, my brother had a period of depression, my sister was struck with high anxiety, and I seemed to go on like it never happened.  This is true for the most part.  I never could find anything to blame the divorce on but I think I just had a Eureka moment.
I have always known and been aware of my problems with commitment.  I pine after things for so long that they seem unattainable and then as soon as I get them I freak out and don't want them anymore.  A small example is every boyfriend I've ever had.  I would say I got "uninterested" but honestly my mind would turn every good trait of a guy I liked into a terrible annoyance and then I would end it quickly and without hesitation.  A larger scale example is my study abroad opportunity.  I've been talking about spending a year in France for the past 4 years and now that it's actually becoming real, I'm turning away.  My mind keeps bringing every negative point about going to France and highlighting them so big and bold that they overshadow any good, happy, or exciting thought.  I don't want to go at all anymore and I wish I could end the arrangements quickly and without hesitation.  Aside from the two examples given, this kind of thing is a recurrence.  I cannot get myself to commit to anything or anyone, no matter how much I actually wanted them before it got "real."'
So I realized that where my brother got the depression problem and my sister got the anxiety problem, I got the "forever alone and unsatisfied with every decision" problem.  I mean how could I trust any situation or person after seeing the way my mum was treated in her first marriage?
(However, I'm not pointing the finger of blame on anyone for my commitment issues; I just think if anything helped form these issues, the divorce would be it.)

"I cannot function with less than ten hours."

For all the people who know me well, they know that I've got a small addiction to sleeping.  For example, a phrase that I've said several times in my life is, "I cannot function with less than ten hours."

And the funny thing is if I could get my ass out of bed before I hit the ten hour mark, I could function just fine.  I've had to do so for work and class and whatnot.  However if there's nothing telling me to "get the hell up" I will sleep until it's dark outside.  Honestly, I hate this part of me because I hate wasted time and sleeping only wastes precious hours that you could have used to do something productive, but in my head when my alarm goes off (at noon) I can't think of anything more productive than to sleep.

I've looked up online causes of oversleeping just to see if maybe there was a good reason behind it.  Immediately I learned online that I had cancer.  After I shook that one off I read that depression, stress, substance abuse, and sleep apnea are common causes of oversleeping.  Seriously so unhelpful.  I was hoping to find some disorder or addiction that's not harmful but very common and had a cool name like dormiromania, but all I found was "Zoë, you may be depressed and you should probably drink less wine." This is why I hate the internet.

After much pondering I thought that maybe I just love my dreams.  I mean I have some of the weirdest/craziest/kickass-est dreams sometimes and they feel so real that maybe I just wanna stay in there for a while longer and check out what happens?  Coming from a Fall Out Boy lyric, "I need more dreams and less life."  They probably mean it in a more depressing, emo way but whatever.  It's like the movies, only I'm the star sooo what could be better? 

But in conclusion I've found nothing out from today's brain-picking other than sleep is my one true love and I don't need a reason for that.

Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted

So today was like every other day this Summer.  I woke up, ate something, showered, took Rex out (my room mate's dog) and then sat there bored for about thirty minutes.  I took out money from my rent fund to go grocery shopping, promising myself that I'd replace it with the tips that I made at work tonight, lied around some more and then got ready for work. However, when I got to work around 5:30, my manager told me to go home because they were overstaffed.  So I got back in my car and drove the same 20 minute drive on the Lloyd back to my apartment.  That has been my day so far.  Why is this significant?  Well, it wouldn't be for a normal person.
I got to thinking while I was driving home in my stuffy, hot work uniform about how badly I just wanted to work.  Then I asked myself why it mattered so much.  Most college students would be overjoyed to have a Friday night off, but not me.  My response to "why" is that I was bored.  I was dreadfully BORED in my little dog-scented apartment.  I had already watched enough movies and Netflix and read enough novels to get my fix for laziness. So my rebuttal was "go do something, it's Friday night."  I quickly responded that I have no one to hang out with and no money to spend.  Then that made me think even harder about my current situation.  A) I have several friends living in Evansville so I don't know why I tell myself I have no one to hang out with.  B) You don't NEED money to do things.
Why do I insist that my life is so unsatisfying and vapid?
I have been blaming last summer's emptiness on the fact that it was spent in Vincennes.  I thought that living in Evansville would make this summer more interesting and less depressing, but I honestly can't escape it.  I've realized that Vincennes is not what was boring me (although it helped) but just my life in general. I always complain about how much I hate school and work but in reality, I actually like it.  I've said the phrase, "I hate responsibility" several dozen times but actually I think I love responsibility.  I like having checklists to check off.  I like having something to do at all times, and I never truly recognized that until my car ride home from work today.  Down-time is only a good thing when you're exhausted; otherwise its just another wasted hour or two.
In conclusion,  I've decided that I dislike summer months.  Sure I get more sleep but who can compare sleep to daily brain-stimulation that you get with school?  I should've taken a summer class.