The thoughts and concerns of a future French student

I'm studying abroad in France next year.  I'm leaving the United States on September 7th and won't be returning until June 30.  I'll be attending Université d'Aix Marseilles (which is in the South).  I'm incredibly excited, however there are more emotions that I'd like to elaborate on.

I know that unless you have studied abroad/are going to study abroad/ have been in another country for an extended period of time, you probably think I'm being dramatic or ridiculous or negative, but I have more anxieties about this adventure than anything.

Firstly, I'm going to be gone for TEN MONTHS.  "But Zoë, that's not even a year. Why are you freaking out?"  My response is- this is going to be ten months spent ALONE.  I'm going alone.  I literally know no one.  Everyone speaks another language (which I can speak, but not comfortably).  Even if I could fluently speak French, I wouldn't make any friends.  I am seriously so terrible at being social.  All the friends I have now were made because they were friends of another friend.  I'm awkward and shy and nervous and this is all going to blow up in my face when I get to France because I'm literally going to be alone.  And sad.

Second- I have this other fear of what it will be like when I return home.  There's a saying that's like "The worst thing about distance is not knowing whether or not they'll miss you or forget about you."  This is my entire thought process when thinking about study abroad.  I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to get back to USI and no one will know who I am in my sorority (which is very likely, considering there will be a new pledge class that's never heard my name before) and that every friend I had before I left will have new friends that inadvertently "took my place."  This sounds SO dumb, I know, but isn't everyone afraid of being forgotten?  Isn't everyone afraid of coming home and there being NO open arms to welcome you back? I am very aware that the world does not revolve around Zoë Cardinal-Wyant, and therefore everyone's lives will continue without me and I'll soon be a thing of the past.

Another fear is basically the fear of being homesick.  I'm usually pretty content with being away from home but I've never been so far away that it's not a possibility to just go home.  I've only been REALLY homesick maybe twice in my life and I know that it is one of the worst feelings.  I know I can skype as much as I want and eventually SOMEONE will visit me in France, but that's not being home.  I'm afraid of what I'll miss out on at home.  There will be really exciting things that I wish I could be there for.  Also what if something tragic(God forbid) happens at home?  I won't be there to console or morn or anything like that.  Maybe I worry too much, but lately that's all I can do.

Clearly I'm just entirely nervous and scared.  Honestly though, who wouldn't be?  This is a big deal, for me at least.  I know that once I'm there and in the groove of things I'll enjoy it but for now I'm just trying to NOT hyperventilate every time someone brings up France.

I also know that this is an amazing experience that most people do not get to have and I'm very lucky to have this opportunity.....but reciting that sentence to me every time I say that I'm nervous does NOT make me feel better...more guilty for being nervous, I guess.

So everyone do me a favor and do not bring up my study abroad unless it's important.  This including but not limited to: "Oh my god I can't believe you're leaving me" or "You won't be there for this or that" unless you'd like me to throw up my lunch onto your shoes...but thank you for everyone's support thus far.  I really do appreciate/ need it.  Let's just live in the moment.

From Sacks to Sex

Recently I had to write a research paper for my History class over any topic I desired.  Literally anything.  Since I'm basically interested in two things, France and fashion, and I've already written plenty of papers over France by force, I chose to explore women's fashion.  I wanted to know how we got to where we are today, trend wise.  I also got an A on this paper, the only points being deducted for not having page numbers.  Not to toot my own horn, but I'm proud and I think the topic is interesting so I decided to post it for everyone to read. Enjoy.

Women’s Fashion throughout History:  From Sacks to Sex

            How is a woman defined in today’s society?  Most people would agree that a woman is a fragile yet fierce, sexy yet elegant, and yielding yet obstinate being.  She is the bringer of life, the consoler of hearts and the strength of many.  Women have come a long way in society since the beginning of time.  The woman was once the passive member of the home who complied with every order of the man.  Today, a woman can hold her own.  A woman can be sexy and fierce and unyielding without the judgment of man and with acceptance from society.  One aspect of the woman that has expressed her character throughout history is her clothes.  From the conservative and shapeless wardrobe of the medieval age to the suggestive and tight-fitting trends today, there have been many changes to the way a woman presents herself. 

            Women have always been referred to as the delicate sex.  With their smaller frames and softer outer shell, this is an understandable conception.  In most cases when someone obtains something that is fragile, he or she will try to protect it or keep it safe.  This is more or less the point of view towards women in earlier times.  Men saw women as weak, but also precious and something that should be contained.  This is what began the traditional wardrobe of the woman.  Women were always covered from head to toe.  In the medieval era of the 1300’s, women dressed in sack-like garments.  All was covered and there was no shape or figure to the body.  There was no hope for women’s fashion at that time whereas the men’s dress was created to enhance the beauty of their bodies to promote masculinity.  The original expressive aim of female dress was modesty and this is still practiced in some cultures and religions today.[1]  However, women could not flaunt their curves or even their skin up until the fourteenth century.

            The fourteenth century marked the beginning of a revolution for women’s clothing.  Up until then, women could not show any skin or they would be basically shunned from society.  Women began showing more skin in the 1500’s however.  The lowering of the neckline instigated the potential new view of the woman.  She was no longer the precious being in which you protected.  She was now starting to show the sexy side of herself.  France referred to this change as “décolletage” or “selective exposer of the skin.”[2]  This décolletage aroused a new erotic view of women.  The idea of women as sexual figures sparked the change in women’s fashion forever.  

Now that the neckline had dropped, women’s clothing could be altered differently and was done in a less modest manner.  Although dresses were always the standard attire for women, they were not varied until the sixteenth century.  Dresses became popular in more than one variation after the male revolution of the middle ages.  This was the start of real “fashion” for women.  Two-pieced dresses were common as well as the petticoat and headdress.  Petticoats were basically an undergarment that women wore under their skirts which hung from the waist to the floor.  The headdresses were important, for they expressed the ongoing theme of modesty, even though the modesty had phased out into a lesser concentration.  The petticoat and veil were major defining female garments.  When long hair and head coverings were given up in the seventeenth century, the change was shockingly profound.[3]

      Women continued to dress in two pieced dresses with petticoats and low necklines throughout the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.  The eighteenth century introduced the importance of the silhouette of the woman’s body.  Corsets and many more petticoats were worn to exaggerate the structure of the hourglass figure.  More color and design was put into play when designing a woman’s dress during this time period.[4]  Fashion became more prominent of an idea instead of just clothing.  Women were now dressing to flaunt their curves and womanly features rather than hiding and protecting them.  The late 1800’s brought forth a brand new idea for women’s dress:  trousers. 

Trousers for women in the late 1800’s were still socially unacceptable but were worn on occasion.  Pants were worn by low-class women.  These women included dancers, acrobats, actresses, singers, mine workers, fisherfolk, and agricultural laborers.  Women had begun to work men’s jobs during this time period but were considered low-class.  Other than being low-class, pants were unacceptable because they were viewed as soft-core pornography at the time.  The separation of a woman’s legs by a piece of fabric was only used for seductive purposes and therefore was socially intolerable.[5]  Although they were not widely worn, pants had begun to appear on some women which had unknowingly originated a new revolution for women’s fashion which took place in the twentieth century.

The 1900’s opened new doors for women in many aspects, fashion of course being one of them.  World War I gave the opportunity for women to work men’s jobs while their husbands were away.  This alone gave a new idea of women’s independence and freedoms.  Publicly working women wore skirts and factory working women wore pants.[6]  Only the women working in factories and other hidden jobs wore pants because they were still not entirely accepted by the public yet.  Meanwhile in France, women’s pants were an idea for designers’ inspiration.  Paul Poiret, a French fashion designer, designed a trend of “divided skirts” which led to his first women’s trouser design in 1913 referred to as harem pants.  Harem pants were wide-legged trousers that gathered up at the ankles, giving them the look of a skirt.  These were based off of costume designs and were to be worn with a long tunic.[7] 

Aside from the skirt-like pants of Poiret, another French designer had ideas of her own.  Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel had respect for the wearing of pants.  In fact, she often wore her husband’s suits around in comfort.  Coco had once said, “Fashion does not only exist in dresses.”[8] Chanel had visited Venice, Italy in the early 1900’s and was inspired by the pants worn by the gondola rowers.  These pants influenced her design of the wide-legged women’s trouser pants.[9]  This design exploded the likeliness of a woman’s ability to wear something other than a skirt.  In the 1930’s, pants were stylish but still shocking to wear.  It was acceptable to wear pants however for sports and activities like horseback riding which were designed also by Coco Chanel.  People still saw pants on women as unnatural and masculine but this did not prevent some women from wearing them.  Famous women like Marlene Dietrich and Katherine Hepburn wore pants on a regular basis.  This made the women’s pants into a trend.  In 1939, the first vogue was issued with women in pants playing sports pictured on the cover.[10]  Pajama pants were also widely acceptable for women and seen as a fashion staple in the 1930’s.[11]

After pants became a trend in the 1930’s, the designs and variations of them increased throughout the 1900’s.  The 1940’s gave more opportunities for women to work which made pants more acceptable to wear.  However in the 1950’s, pants were discouraged more because of the post-World War II feminine look.  Although they were discouraged, they were still accepted and worn.  Audrey Hepburn created the trend of high-waist cigarette and capri pants which continued into the 1960’s. The sixties was a decade of full social acceptance of women wearing pants.  Women could wear pants casually and in the workplace judge free and comfortably.

Now that women could freely wear pants as they pleased, designers created what seemed to be a new trend of women’s pants each decade.  The seventies are known for the bell bottomed flare trousers as seen in the Charlie’s Angels movies.  The eighties was a decade of tight fitting clothing on the bottom half.  Skinny jeans and cotton leggings were worn regularly by women during this time.  The nineties consisted of the “grunge” look which normally meant baggy or ripped jeans on women.  The 1990’s put forth a vibe of “I just rolled out of bed” from everyone and women were equally as grunge as the men.[12]  In the late 1990’s, two-thirds of the women in the United States wore pants several times a week.[13]  This was the conclusion of the women’s dress revolution.  Women were allowed to express their identities through their clothes however they pleased and it was socially acceptable.

  The turn of the century introduced low-rise, boot-leg, flare, and boyfriend style jeans for women.  By 2010, all types of jeans were basically designed and so now the trends are mainly repeats of the past trends.[14]  The twenty-first century also increased the sexuality of women in their attire.  Women seem to think along the lines of “less is more” when getting dressed in this day and age.  However, it is socially acceptable. 

 In conclusion, there is a noticeable difference in the way women present themselves today compared to how they did many centuries ago.  Women started off wearing sack-like dresses that covered every inch of their body and are currently wearing less and less daily.  Women can freely express their sexuality and character with the help of fashion.  Fashion can emphasize a woman’s elegant or feminine side as well as her sexy and independent side.  Every woman can thank the historical events and courageous women and men that began and concluded the revolution of women’s fashion, for now women have the ability to wear whatever they feel.

---

[1] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New York: Knopf, 1994), 42

[2] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New York: Knopf, 1994), 47

[3] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New York: Knopf, 1994), 48

[4] Fashion Timeline. Vintage Fashion Guild. Accessed March 25, 2014. http://vintagefashionguild.org/fashion-timeline/

[5] Anne Hollander, Sex and Suits (New York: Knopf, 1994), 48

[6] Trousers for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014.  http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com

[7] Valerie Steele, Paris Fashion: A Cultural History (New York: Oxford University Press, 1988), 36.

 

 

[8] Valerie Steele, Paris Fashion: A Cultural History (New York: Oxford University Press, 1988), 12.

[9] Fashion rewind:  A brief history of trousers through the ages. Secret Closet.  Accessed November 24, 2014.  http://www.secretcloset.pk/

[10] Trousers for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014.  http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com

[11] Fashion rewind:  A brief history of trousers through the ages. Secret Closet.  Accessed November 24, 2014.  http://www.secretcloset.pk/

 

[12] Fashion rewind:  A brief history of trousers through the ages. Secret Closet.  Accessed November 24, 2014.  http://www.secretcloset.pk/

[13] Trousers for Women. Fashion Encyclopedia. Accessed March 18, 2014.  http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com

[14] Fashion rewind:  A brief history of trousers through the ages. Secret Closet.  Accessed November 24, 2014.  http://www.secretcloset.pk/

It's Never Worth It

Recently my older sister asked me if I was gay.  She genuinely wanted to know if I liked girls.  To answer the question, I'm straight.  People sometimes wonder if I'm gay because I don't date.  I decided to explain my reasons behind why I don't date in this blog to clear the air.  I'll sum it up in one sentence: It's not worth it.
I cannot stress this enough.  Dating is not worth everything it brings to the table.  There's a few positives of having a significant other; I'm aware of that. Sure, you have a date to every event.  You have someone to cuddle with when you need to be held.  You have someone who thinks you're beautiful no matter what (other than your mother).  However, there is at least double the amount of negatives.
Starting off, the first few weeks of "talking" before it's more serious are the worst few weeks anyone could endure.  Of course there's puppy love and butterflies but there's also the torment of, "does he even like me as much as I like him?" "Why isn't he texting me back?" or the best one, "He probably just wants to get laid."  The mental torture that your brain goes through during this iffy time is enough to cause several panic attacks in one day.  Personally, I can't stand the wondering.  I'm impatient.  I need to KNOW how you feel about me up front or I'm going to lose it, wondering about it.
Secondly, the first few weeks or so of actually being committed to each other is just as horrific.  MEETING THE PARENTS.  I for one can speak for all socially awkward noobs out there in saying that meeting the parents of someone you really like for the first time is one of the most horrendous experiences.  What do I wear?  How should I act?  Should I address them by their first names? I am probably the worst person with first impressions, hands down.  No matter what I can always count on embarrassing myself in some way or another.  Another terrible thing about the "honeymoon phase" is the actually getting to know what makes someone tick.  I mean, you'll get in your first fight over something because you're still unsure of how he'll react to things.  I can't handle that. I'M SORRY that your team lost.  It's a game.  Don't get butt hurt about it.  Oh, now you're mad that I told you not to get mad. Oh, okay.  
A third negative of dating is when you've been together for a while and you should know everything that will make him mad.  Now is the time where you're just petty with each other. "Sometimes I think you like my friends more than you like me.  Might as well date them" "OH MY GOD WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME" or even the parenting vibe where they're like, "You really need to do your homework. It's due tomorrow."  Things of that nature are the most IRRITATING.  Hi, I've been dating you a while now soo you should probably trust me and stop being jealous of everything I do.  Also, nagging me does not make me feel more comfortable with you.  It makes me want to jump out a window.
Lastly, I cannot handle couples who can't go an hour without talking to each other.  Awhhhh he's your "better half" and you "don't know what you would do without him" how cute.  No.  Be your own person.  Have your own life. Enjoy alone time.  Create yourself into the person you want to be...ESPECIALLY before you try to shape another person's life to fit yours.  Along the same lines, make yourself happy.  I am a firm believer in putting yourself first. I know, I sound horrible and vain and self centered and heartless blah blah blah but this is MY life.  There is no possible way for me to always make everyone else happy and  I definitely cannot do that if I am not happy to begin with.
In summary, the hand holding and date nights might be fun but they do not outweigh the torment, irritation, aggravation, and potential humiliation that is dating.  All in all, it is not worth it.  It's NEVER worth it.  In the mean time, I'll be enjoying my time with my friends and myself.  I'll be finding myself.  I'll be happy and embarrassment free without the stress of wondering "does he still like me" or "am I good enough."
I'm good enough for myself and that's all that matters.  If a knight in shining armor wants to swoop up and try to change my mind, he can be my guest.  However he will most like just be a regular dude in a gray sweat suit.  The smoke and mirrors do not work on me, folks.

10 More Things That I Hate

So I've done this before and I thought I could expand a little more.  I'm constantly getting annoyed with people who do stupid things and I think that's normal for all people to feel, right?  Well hopefully whoever is reading this, finds it amusing and agrees with me on SOMETHING.

10 (more) Things That I Hate:

1) I reeeeally get annoyed by girls who say they LOVE Starbucks and they're addicted and blah, blah, blah, when in REALITY they only buy double chocolate chip frappuccinos or hot chocolate and post photos of their names on the cups on Instagram.  Sweetie, drinking Starbucks does not make you cool, it only makes you broke. (Granted, I buy coffee from Starbucks almost everyday, but it's the easiest place to go on campus usually to get caffeine.)
2) I don't understand the need to whisper LOUDLY in quiet places.  Do you know what I mean?  If you're in the library, then whisper or just be loud and rude, but don't scream whisper.  That's just irritating.
3) If you're wearing headphones, that's so that you can only hear your music...plain and simple.  I want to yank out people's headphones when they have the volume so loud that everyone around them can hear the song word for word.  Be courteous, people! Also, don't you realize what that will do to your hearing one day? Yikes.
4) KNOW-IT-ALLS.  Get off your high horse!  I understand that you might know a lot of information on something and you're proud of that.  Cool, I'm proud of you too.  However, sucking up to every professor in that subject and showing everyone else up in class is honestly quite nauseating. 
5) Uneducated concert goers.  Now, by uneducated I don't mean that they haven't been to school, but just uneducated in how a concert works.  For example, on black Friday this year my sister and I went to a Fall Out Boy show in Chicago.  We waited outside in line for 12 hours in the cold...stupid, I know, but we enjoy doing it.  It's part of it!  Anyway, when the line finally started getting big closer to the show everyone was standing up waiting for the security guards to let us inside.  There would be people who would walk up to the door and ASK the security guards, "Is there a line or can we just go inside?"  OF COURSE THERE'S A LINE.  Why do you think all these people are LINED up outside?  A freeze out cha-cha line? No.  Get to the back.
6) This one is probably just my introvert coming out but I cannot stand when I'm sitting at the library maybe just minding my own business and someone just sits next to me and starts talking about NOTHING.  Maybe I had homework to work on?  I'm obviously not physically inviting; I'm not smiling or making eye contact, so why do you continue conversing.  I'm not going to be rude to that person, so I'm always stuck in a pointless conversation that's wasting my time.  Basically, if you want to talk to someone, check their body language first.
7) On another note, I really don't like when people say "what's up?" as we're walking past each other.  I can't answer your question sooo I guess I'll just awkwardly say "Hey" and keep walking.
8) Oh my goodness, WOMAN CRUSH WEDNESDAY.  Girls: STOP posting a different angle of your best friend every Wednesday.  If you seriously have THAT much interest in your friend there must be something more than friendship there, and hey I'm cool with that, but stop lying to yourself if that's the case.  Mostly just try to add some variety in your woman crushes or don't post them at all.  Guys: It's the same for except it's your girlfriend.  That's cute and all to do it a few times here and there but seriously, EVERY Wednesday? We get it, you like your girlfriend. You're supposed to like her.
9) I really don't like when there's no seats open on the bus and people leave their bags on the seat next to them.  I understand, no one wants a stranger to get all cozy with them on public transportation, but it's just the polite thing to do to move your bag for someone else.
10) Ungrateful people.  I feel like this time of the year, the ungrateful people come out of hiding.  They're upset that they didn't EVERYTHING they wanted for Christmas.  dude, be happy that you got anything for Christmas! There are a lot of people who can't afford it at all.  Also, I think the most enjoyable part of this holiday is to give to people.  Giving brings a lot more joy than getting.  Try it out and you'll see. 
 Okay so there's my little rant for today.  If you think of other things annoying that people do then feel free to list them in the comments below.

Zoho's Fashion Prediction Blog

So, I'd like to think that I have not only a good sense of style and what's "trendy," but I also seem to predict in my mind what's going to be over-manufactured and shipped to every trendsetting clothing store and displayed on every twig-thin model in fashion catalogues.  Not to brag, but I guess I just have the eye.  For example, at the beginning of last fall I became entirely obsessed with patterned bottoms (skinny jeans, leggings).  I was in dire need of floral skinny jeans and could barely find them anywhere.  However, I happened to find a pair that I loved and I remember someone asking me why I wanted them so bad at the time.  The same thing goes with floral/tribal leggings.  This winter, I see patterned leggings and skinny jeans EVERYWHERE, not only in the stores but on the trendy little legs of most college students.  The same kind of coincidence happened with studs.  I went on a stud spree and it seemed like no one understood my obsession but now I see a stud or a spike on every other top in the mall.  It's almost annoying, because I like to be different, but eventually everyone is going to be wearing a similar wardrobe to me.  This is why I've decided to put my ideas out there in my blog.  I'm putting a list below of things that I'm recently obsessed with and I feel like they're going to come into style soon.  Not everything is 100% because really trends only become trends if someone famous or admirable wears it first and I'm neither of those things.

However, here's my list:

1. Patent leather combat boots
-Everyone knows that combat boots in general are in style right now, but normally one would see them in matte leather.  I think patent leather ones are SPECTACULAR. Mainly bright colored ones or even plain white, but either way, I can see these being a huge hit. I honestly have been practically crying over wanting a pair of pink ones.

2. Plaid
-I'm not talking plaid flannels.  When I say plaid, I mean school girl, punk rock type of stuff.  I see the movie Clueless.  Honestly, who could NOT like plaid?

3. Velvet
-I absolutely adore velvet.  I have for a while, but I can't find what I'm looking for in any stores.  I'm kind of really hoping that this trends soon because I need my velvet pieces that I so desire after.  For example, velvet blazers, dresses, and skirt come to mind.

4. Palm cuff bracelets

-These are very different and hard to find but I feel like once people start seeing them, they'll be obsessed! (like me)

 

I hope this blog is interesting and/or helpful to spark your fashion eye.  I'll probably start posting these more often.  If anyone sees these start to trend, post a comment about where you've seen it or what you think!

15 Things That I Hate

So I've recently noticed that I complain a lot and that I seem to get annoyed by a lot of things....I have decided to make a list of everything I hate. Here we go:
1) I HATE when people spell my name with a Y at the end. It's really not that hard to put two dots over an e.
2) I HATE couples that wear matching t-shirts or make mushy Facebook statuses about how much they love each other.  No one cares.
3)  On that note, I HATE when couples make Facebook accounts together.  For example: JohnAndJane Doe.  Do you really not trust each other enough to have your own accounts?  Or do you like to make people think that you're SO in love that you're like one person instead of two? OR do you just like to confuse the shit out of everyone so they don't know who is commenting on their photo...was it John or Jane? Assholes.
4) I HATE butterfly/dolphin tattoos.
5) I HATE when people pronounce "wash" as "warsh" or anything like that.  Where do these imaginary "r's"' come from? Also, if you refer to ALL soft drinks as "cokes" I probably hate you a little.
6) I HATE when people wear socks with flats or Sperrys.  Just stop.
7)  I HATE when people sing when they aren't good at it.  I know my boundaries; if I sound like shit singing a song, I will not continue to sing it in front of people.
8)  I HATE when people talk about themselves.  I know, everyone does it sometimes...hell my entire blog is about my life and my problems.  However, if you're trying to have a conversation with someone, you should probably let the other person talk some. It's not all about you all the time.
9)  I HATE when people get tattoos in French or Latin or Italian for absolutely no reason.  If there's a meaning behind getting one in a different language, go ahead; but seriously, if you had to put it into a translator, it's probably going to be wrong and you're just going to look like a jackass.
10)  I HATE the whole they're, their, and there confusion.  It's really not that difficult.
11)  I HATE when guys (or girls) post pictures of their muscles or shirtless pictures.  Honestly, no one asked to see you half naked..unless you're in a swimsuit..that seems acceptable me.
12)  I HATE also when people post pictures of weed on Instagram.  Like why do they think that's cool?
13)  I HATE when people text me "hey" like four times in a row.  If I didn't reply the first time or even the second time, I'm either busy or I don't want to talk.  So stop.
14)  I HATE when people make Facebook statuses about how drunk they are/were.  No one cares about how cool you are.
15)  I HATE when people try to talk to me when I'm on the phone...or when I have my headphones in.

I feel like that's not everything, but I'm going to stop now before I seem a little too bitchy.

Personal Confession

I have a body image problem.  Okay, there, I said it.  I feel like it's always been in the back of my mind and just never really showed itself until this semester. 
Growing up, I've always been small.  Very short, very skinny.  My older sister used to always be a tiny bit bigger than me...which made sense because she's my OLDER sister.  However, in high school she seemed to stop growing (both up and out) as I continued.  Since I was about 15 or 16, I've been significantly bigger than my older sister.  I have always been short, though, and skinny, just not as small as my sister.  I'm maybe 2-3 inches taller and weigh..kind of a lot more than her.  This is where the problems began.
You see, my sister and I used to fight a lot.  I mean A LOT.  I'm pretty sure we fought more than any other pair of sisters have fought before.  We were enemies.  I hated her, she hated me.  In the time period of which we despised each other, my sister found an insult that always worked on me.  Any time I was "winning" and argument, she'd throw the "at least I'm not FAT" card at me.  This honestly didn't bother me through high school too much because I knew I was still skinny.  It would always hurt for a little while and then I'd brush it off.  However, since I've been at college it's been a much different reaction.
My sister and I are friends now.  I like talking to her and hanging out with her and listening to Fall Out Boy with her.  We don't really get into arguments like we used to..but she still likes to throw the occasional "fat" or "ugly" insult my way.  I won't even say anything mean and she'll be like "Yea..I'm obviously the prettier sibling."  She isn't even joking when she says this.  She says it in all seriousness and belief!  Another thing she does is she'll be like "I'm taking this shirt (or this pair of pants)" and I'll say, "They won't even fit you" and she'll snap back with a, "Actually, they'll probably fit me better.  Everything you wear is too small on you because you're fat."  Like WHY is that necessary?  It's not.  I NEVER say anything like that to her.  It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  Like why is she still so competitive?  Why does she want me to feel bad about myself?
Anyway, the point of this blog is to confess my body image problem that has gotten so much worse than it was.  I have gained 8 pounds since August.  I can't even look at myself in the mirror with out getting insanely pissed off or sad.  I almost cry every night because I can feel how fat I am when I lay in my bed.  I've tried to starve myself, but it's too hard.  I wish I could.  I eat a maximum of 1100 calories a day though.  I feel a little bit better every night when I enter my calorie counter and it says that I'm eating an unhealthy amount of calories a day.  I'm going to lose that 8 pounds...maybe even more if I can.  I don't want to come back from school and be that girl who gained her freshman 15.  I don't think I could handle that.
In closing, I did not write this for attention, advice, help, compliments, or insults.  I wrote it to get it off my chest.  I don't really feel any better though.  I will once I lose that weight.  I'll keep you posted, blogger followers.