My whole life up until I graduated high school, I was relatively active. Actually I'd say I was very active...with dance lessons and tumbling classes up to 4 or 5 days a week. Therefore I never had a problem with "being in shape" but when I went to college I had to quit dance and gymnastics and instead go to school full time. I haven't had much exercise since high school and it's been killing me. So today I decided to go to the gym and do some sort of cardio. I thought it would be smart to try and not die at age 25 of heart disease. However I had the absolute worst experience of my life. So, I've decided that there are many factors behind why I'm not into the whole physical fitness trend that everyone else is into and here they are:
1. Motivation: I feel like I'm highly motivated to do a lot of things but not when it comes to working out. If I can actually talk myself into going to the gym it will probably take about 3 days of nagging myself.
2. Once I've finally decided to go to the gym, I have this small freak out in my mind that I have absolutely nothing to wear. Don't even say it- I know that's an idiotic thing to worry about. No one cares what you're wearing. However I picture myself walking into the gym and it's full of all these fit girls in spandex and buff dudes in cut offs and I'm over here wearing soffee shorts and a sorority tank top. I look like a joke- actually I am a joke because I have no idea what I'm doing so I feel like if I can dress the part, I can look the part.
3. Sort of along the same lines as #2 but the gym sort of requires gym shoes and I don't own a single pair...so whattup converse.
4. When I actually get to the gym I have no clue where to go so I'm like "I know how to work a treadmill" and then I fast-walk with the ramp on the highest it will go in order to burn more calories so that I feel accomplished but ultimately I leave the gym feeling dizzy, nauseated, and with the worst head ache of my entire life. My hypochondria is yelling at me the whole way home, "YOURE HAVING A STROKE ZOË CALL 911"
So in conclusion, I have literally no idea why people get joy out of doing cardio.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
If you must know...
So I've decided to approach a personal situation, publicly, so that I don't have to answer this awkward question anymore. Yes, I'm going to France. What day am I leaving? September 7th. What day am I coming back? June 20th. Am I going to be continuing with my current relationship while I'm overseas for a year? The answer is an obvious "yes."
Honestly, every repetitive question is irritating but the last one is the most aggravating of all. First of all- that's kind of personal, so if you're not a close family member or friend, it's really none of your business. Secondly- now that I've made it clear to you that no, my boyfriend and I are not breaking up just because I'll be gone ten months, let me explain to you how stupid of a question that is.
Ask yourself this- if you devoted your time, attention, and emotions to a person for half a year, would you want to just end that because you'll be farther away from said person? No, probably not. That would mean that I wasted all my time and his becoming closer and more attached to each other just to leave it all behind. No one would choose to do that.
And another thing- I'm not stupid enough to get into a relationship that I don't see continuing into the future. I wouldn't have dated anyone before I left if I didn't think it was worth it.
"But Zoë, how can you trust someone that's across the ocean from you?" Well, I just do. I know that from past blog entries it's apparent to the public that I was inadvertently raised to believe that love never lasts and that people are selfish but this time around I'm believing differently...and instead of everyone doubting that I'm serious, they should be glad I've found someone who can change my pessimistic outlook on relationships.
So there you have it internet: I'm an open book for you to read. Now, stop asking me idiotic questions.
Honestly, every repetitive question is irritating but the last one is the most aggravating of all. First of all- that's kind of personal, so if you're not a close family member or friend, it's really none of your business. Secondly- now that I've made it clear to you that no, my boyfriend and I are not breaking up just because I'll be gone ten months, let me explain to you how stupid of a question that is.
Ask yourself this- if you devoted your time, attention, and emotions to a person for half a year, would you want to just end that because you'll be farther away from said person? No, probably not. That would mean that I wasted all my time and his becoming closer and more attached to each other just to leave it all behind. No one would choose to do that.
And another thing- I'm not stupid enough to get into a relationship that I don't see continuing into the future. I wouldn't have dated anyone before I left if I didn't think it was worth it.
"But Zoë, how can you trust someone that's across the ocean from you?" Well, I just do. I know that from past blog entries it's apparent to the public that I was inadvertently raised to believe that love never lasts and that people are selfish but this time around I'm believing differently...and instead of everyone doubting that I'm serious, they should be glad I've found someone who can change my pessimistic outlook on relationships.
So there you have it internet: I'm an open book for you to read. Now, stop asking me idiotic questions.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
My reoccurring bad dreams
So lately I've been having these bad dreams that lead to me waking up feeling like absolute shit. These are worse than the usual "nightmares" because they're much more realistic. They always end up being one of the two scenarios:
1. It's the beginning of the school year. It's not specified whether I'm in high school or college because the school halls switch back and forth between resembling the halls of Lincoln High School and the hallways of various buildings at USI. However, the same thing happens in every dream. I'm always unaware that I'm signed up for a certain class (it's usually English class for some reason) so I miss the first day. When I find out that I'm enrolled to take it, I try to go the next day but I cannot find the classroom for the life of me. I circle these strange hallways passing classroom after classroom but never recognizing my teacher inside so I just keep looking. In result of my endless search, I miss all my other classes for the day. I wake up with the worst feeling of stress and confusion and disappointment in myself.
2. The second scenario has a little more room for creativity. It always has the same outcome but is caused by different stupid things. What happens is, usually someone that's close to me (a friend, my mom, my sister, ect) is an absolute bitch to me for no reason. Pardon my French. And it angers me so I stand up for myself and I'm sort of bitchy back. Then literally everyone I'm close to- all my friends from Vincennes and Evansville, my parents, my siblings, my boyfriend, my cat, my grandparents- treat me as if they've never met anyone as mean as me before. Everyone seriously just hates me and no one will let me explain why I was initially mad. They all leave me somewhere alone (last night I was left alone in a parking lot at night). I wake up feeling helpless and depressed and alone and I can't explain that my mood the next day was all caused by a dream.
Essentially my terrible feelings the next day are caused by me, considering I'm the one who creatively thought up these scenarios to take place in my head while I sleep. I just wish I knew what caused me to dream this way. I used to have interesting dreams that didn't change my mood at all whatsoever when I woke up and now it's like my dreams are controlling how I feel in real life. If anyone reading this is a master dream interpreter or even dabbles in psychology, I'd really appreciate an answer.
1. It's the beginning of the school year. It's not specified whether I'm in high school or college because the school halls switch back and forth between resembling the halls of Lincoln High School and the hallways of various buildings at USI. However, the same thing happens in every dream. I'm always unaware that I'm signed up for a certain class (it's usually English class for some reason) so I miss the first day. When I find out that I'm enrolled to take it, I try to go the next day but I cannot find the classroom for the life of me. I circle these strange hallways passing classroom after classroom but never recognizing my teacher inside so I just keep looking. In result of my endless search, I miss all my other classes for the day. I wake up with the worst feeling of stress and confusion and disappointment in myself.
2. The second scenario has a little more room for creativity. It always has the same outcome but is caused by different stupid things. What happens is, usually someone that's close to me (a friend, my mom, my sister, ect) is an absolute bitch to me for no reason. Pardon my French. And it angers me so I stand up for myself and I'm sort of bitchy back. Then literally everyone I'm close to- all my friends from Vincennes and Evansville, my parents, my siblings, my boyfriend, my cat, my grandparents- treat me as if they've never met anyone as mean as me before. Everyone seriously just hates me and no one will let me explain why I was initially mad. They all leave me somewhere alone (last night I was left alone in a parking lot at night). I wake up feeling helpless and depressed and alone and I can't explain that my mood the next day was all caused by a dream.
Essentially my terrible feelings the next day are caused by me, considering I'm the one who creatively thought up these scenarios to take place in my head while I sleep. I just wish I knew what caused me to dream this way. I used to have interesting dreams that didn't change my mood at all whatsoever when I woke up and now it's like my dreams are controlling how I feel in real life. If anyone reading this is a master dream interpreter or even dabbles in psychology, I'd really appreciate an answer.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Oh captain, my captain
So today the news of Robin Williams' death was released, as you know. His cause of death was "suicide by asfixiation" which I'd assume means hanging but that doesn't really matter. What we should focus on is the tragedy that is suicide and morn for the loss of a creative, uplifting man.
Obviously after everyone heard about his death, they posted done sort of memorial status or RIP post for him because yes, the majority of movie-watchers are upset about it.
I was talking to an acquaintance of mine from high school tonight and he said, "why is everyone so sad about Robin Williams dying? He committed suicide. He wanted to die." And then he laughed.
This disgusted me. Honestly, who jokes about death? I don't care if you didn't care for his acting and stand-up comedy, you should have a little respect for the dead.
My response was, "it's truly sad that someone that seemed happy and cheerful to actually be SO unhappy that he'd choose to end his life. No one should ever get to that bad of a place." That shut up his stupid chuckle.
And that's what I think makes it as sad as it is, to me anyway. It makes you wonder how many people are struggling with depression. How many people slap a goofy smile on their face and throw out witty jokes to cover up how sad they really are? Depression is a serious illness and I wish it could be cured more easily....because a person should never feel unhappy in their own skin. We only get one life (so to speak- unless you consider reincarnation) and by golly that life should be spent happy.
Obviously after everyone heard about his death, they posted done sort of memorial status or RIP post for him because yes, the majority of movie-watchers are upset about it.
I was talking to an acquaintance of mine from high school tonight and he said, "why is everyone so sad about Robin Williams dying? He committed suicide. He wanted to die." And then he laughed.
This disgusted me. Honestly, who jokes about death? I don't care if you didn't care for his acting and stand-up comedy, you should have a little respect for the dead.
My response was, "it's truly sad that someone that seemed happy and cheerful to actually be SO unhappy that he'd choose to end his life. No one should ever get to that bad of a place." That shut up his stupid chuckle.
And that's what I think makes it as sad as it is, to me anyway. It makes you wonder how many people are struggling with depression. How many people slap a goofy smile on their face and throw out witty jokes to cover up how sad they really are? Depression is a serious illness and I wish it could be cured more easily....because a person should never feel unhappy in their own skin. We only get one life (so to speak- unless you consider reincarnation) and by golly that life should be spent happy.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Confessions of a Shopaholic
This blog, not to be confused with the movie starring Isla Fisher, is titled confessions of a shopaholic solely because I am admitting that I have had a problem with shopping for several years. My obsession with clothing has always existed (need I remind you that I spent 70% of my waking time as a child drawing outfits into specific detail and dressing and re-dressing my Bratz dolls). However, I did not get to express myself through clothing until I reached high school (another reminder: I went to a private middle school that required a uniform and specific dress code). When I transferred into the public high school, I had no idea what to wear everyday. I went through awkward phases of outfits for the first month or so trying to combine what little options I had at the time. This is when my shopping became a issue. I would go to say, Plato's closet, and buy about 150 dollars worth of clothes at a time...this would occur every few months. Eventually I started buying things straight from the stores in the mall and once I got a debit card I started with the ever loving online shopping phase. I began to collect enough clothes to be able to wear a different outfit everyday. I know what you're thinking; I'm just like Kate from Lizzie McGuire. I mean who gives a shit if you're an "outfit repeater?" I did.
I even had my own tradition of wearing a dress or a skirt every Friday. I couldn't wear jeans on Fridays because it's like If I did I would betray some sort of covenant with myself.
I'm not lying to you- I literally wore a different outfit everyday (except for one occasion I rewore an outfit I really liked and then my friend pointed out that I had worn it before and I was mortified and never did it again). I even remember one WEEKEND I wore an outfit that I had once worn to school earlier in the semester and one of my guy friends pointed it out. It was like I had a standard in my head to live up to and I couldn't back out. Therefore I kept shopping. And once my collection had overflowed my closets(yes, plural) I'd sort through them, give them away to friends, and then almost immediately replace what is gotten rid of.
This is the real issue of my shopping addiction. I can't get rid of the evidence. Even when I sort through and throw out several trash bags full, there's not a single dent made. I am always and forever overwhemimgly surrounded by clothes.
I never realized how bad it was until this week. I had sorted out a lot of clothes for a garage sale (again it didn't look like it) and I also started packing for France. Obviously I couldn't take my entire wardrobe to France because that would take about 20 large suitcases....or more...so I had to choose wisely. I ended up deciding to pack 5 fun dresses and then all basic tops and bottoms. I figure I could add scarves and hats and jewelry to make my outfits look different everyday.
Now that I have all of that packed up I look in my bedroom to see 4 overflowed closets - plus a rack in the basement- of clothes I will not be wearing for a year.
What will I do when I get home? Will I like this stuff anymore? And if I don't, what do I do with it? And that's just clothing items; don't get me started I shoes and hair accessories. I'm a mess. I'm a metaphorical Titanic sinking in a sea of fashion. I never thought it would ever feel like a bad thing to have "too many" clothes. Well here I am, crashing into the iceberg called REALITY and I'm sending out an SOS.
I even had my own tradition of wearing a dress or a skirt every Friday. I couldn't wear jeans on Fridays because it's like If I did I would betray some sort of covenant with myself.
I'm not lying to you- I literally wore a different outfit everyday (except for one occasion I rewore an outfit I really liked and then my friend pointed out that I had worn it before and I was mortified and never did it again). I even remember one WEEKEND I wore an outfit that I had once worn to school earlier in the semester and one of my guy friends pointed it out. It was like I had a standard in my head to live up to and I couldn't back out. Therefore I kept shopping. And once my collection had overflowed my closets(yes, plural) I'd sort through them, give them away to friends, and then almost immediately replace what is gotten rid of.
This is the real issue of my shopping addiction. I can't get rid of the evidence. Even when I sort through and throw out several trash bags full, there's not a single dent made. I am always and forever overwhemimgly surrounded by clothes.
I never realized how bad it was until this week. I had sorted out a lot of clothes for a garage sale (again it didn't look like it) and I also started packing for France. Obviously I couldn't take my entire wardrobe to France because that would take about 20 large suitcases....or more...so I had to choose wisely. I ended up deciding to pack 5 fun dresses and then all basic tops and bottoms. I figure I could add scarves and hats and jewelry to make my outfits look different everyday.
Now that I have all of that packed up I look in my bedroom to see 4 overflowed closets - plus a rack in the basement- of clothes I will not be wearing for a year.
What will I do when I get home? Will I like this stuff anymore? And if I don't, what do I do with it? And that's just clothing items; don't get me started I shoes and hair accessories. I'm a mess. I'm a metaphorical Titanic sinking in a sea of fashion. I never thought it would ever feel like a bad thing to have "too many" clothes. Well here I am, crashing into the iceberg called REALITY and I'm sending out an SOS.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Exile or Adulthood?
So as I've stated in a previous post, I've been living at home this summer (without a job may I add). I was lying here trying to sleep and of course I started to become nostalgic - nostalgia is my worst enemy. I thought back to high school and how eventful all of my weekends and summers used to be. I never stayed at home because I was always with my friends. This was an awesome time of my life: I got to be a socialite and dress up cute every night; it was great. I thought about how I spent my time nowadays and it's much different. Actually it's completely different. I never thought I would stray from my high school best friends but it's like I unintentionally exiled myself from the people in Vincennes when I moved to Evansville. I never talk to any of them or see any of them and if I hang out with anyone it's either my boyfriend or my friends I met at USI. Obviously this isn't a big deal because this is what happens when you grow up. You make new friends, you do new things for fun, you make different yet equally as stupid decisions, and the old you will just continue to be a cloud of nostalgia. However then I thought- "is everyone hanging out without me?" Is this separation between me and Vincennes a side effect of growing up or have I just exiled myself? I guess if everyone else's lives are continuing the same as before then I've just pulled myself out of the social circle. In retrospect, that's exactly what I've always wanted to do. I couldn't wait to get out of Vincennes and rid myself of anything having to do with this deadbeat town...so I guess high school Zoë would be proud. Now I'm just rambling and I don't seem to have a point so I apologize to anyone who's actually reading this god awful blog.
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